Eduring the Process - Behavior Intervention and Healing

For the last year I have been working as a behavioral interventionist in a public school. I am also an ordained minister with more than 25 years of youth worker experience. I often encounter the same questions when dealing with behavior difficulty in children, especially those who have experienced trauma. Here are some answers to commonly asked questions and problems that arise. All names are fictitious.

1, So Johnny has been is in counseling for a month now, why are things not getting better? First of all trauma and abuse can occur over a long time or a short period, but recovery can take years. Depending on the needs of the child, there may be various facets of recovery. Emotional, mental and physical abuse can take multiple forms of therapy and counseling to work through. Children also require time to rebuild relationships and trust. As single trauma can invoke years of suffering. They will often continue to act out until they are sure that they can trust those people who are trying to help them. Sometimes things have to get worse until they are better because children will test the depths of the relationships they have. Holding routines to establish good behavior patterns can be a shock and also upsetting for kids who are not used to boundaries, they will fight back, but the end result is worth the initial struggle.

2. How long we have to have this fight? Consistency is important. People often cave when it comes to behavior plans because they are exhausted and even traumatized themselves to some degree when their child is suffering. It is important to build a network of support and get counseling for yourself when you are involved in the long term recovery of a child. When kids have figured out how to push an adult into getting their own way they will use it! Protective measure in their instincts will cause them to push back. It hinders the recovery process because they haven't learned to deal with the problem, just redirect their frustration on to you.. Many of our school aged children will want to try to be in control of their environment as a self defense mechainism. The ways that they go about it can be very stressful for parents and teachers alike. When they break the rules some students for example will give un accountable answers in response to questions such as "why did you do that?" or "how do you think Freddy feels after you slapped him?" with  "I don't know" or "so" and they repeat them over and over until the adult does whatever it takes to get the adult to stop asking them about the problem. It also serves to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.. Staying consistent lets the child know that you are holding them accountable, no matter how hard they push back, but at times they will act out with escalated behaviors until they realize the plans will not change to their personal preferences.

3. Each child is as unique as a finger print. No two plans of action are exactly alike, even if the child has endured the same situation as a sibling. There are many factors which can dictate behavior plans and recovery. Again patience is a huge part of getting through trauma and behavior issues, get support! Remember that your children need to feel equally cared for and important in the process of recovery. It is also important to be involved with "low drama" children on the same level as children who are experiencing a high level difficulty. I often hear from children that they feel that another child in the family needs more love than they do. They often feel punished for not having issues. Often times establishing a mandatory outing with personal, positive, one on one time can go a long ways in helping with this kind of situation.

4. Recovery care and healing time are just like any other life investment. Choosing qualified professionals who are best suited to the needs of your child is most important. I am a pastor and a behavioral interventionist, or basically a first responder. My job is to address the immediate, professional licensed therapists should be the long term plan creators, along side parents and the child(ren) in question. This is also true for school counselors, they are a "triage" for your child, but not a long term solution. Children who are in the counselor's office for long periods of time during the school day, miss out on much needed instruction. Also the environment is a factor. The stresses of school can interfere with the child's ability to communicate. Often kids walking down the hallways or school bells, ect, can cause an interrupt to counseling sessions even though the doors are closed.. Also remember that in terms of recovery that takes years, you want to have someone that can be available for years. Counselors at school are only available for the time that your student is enrolled in the particular building and summer vacations are often too long of an interruption of care.

5. Ask the why about the "why". Sometimes we forget that the emotional needs of children go as deeply as our own. We like to answer things with "they are just being kids". Kids just like adults do things as a response to stimulus and situations. If a child is acting out we need to ask "the why". What is driving the behavior a student is displaying? Do they have anxiety? Are they getting enough sleep? Are they eating enough? Many of these situations can be dealt with in a positive manner with parents and school staff working together. It is important though not to use the "whys" as a crutch. Children need to be held accountable for they ways that they act out during the healing process if the behaviors are negative.

6. "The School Hates Me" fallacy. Many people have a knee jerk reaction to schools based on their own upbringing or experiences of others. It is important to build your own relationship with your school's staff. Often times people assume that teachers and administrators are not listening or that your child is not important to them. Some processes take time. In many schools there are 400-700 students in a building. Workers are often doing several tasks at once. Some situations take time to investigate and to make wise administrative choices, It is a rare day that you will find someone who doesn't care about children in a school. The pay, amount of work invested, and education requirements are difficult to live with and you have to love kids to want to do this. You may want to take notes about everything that happens with your children if multiple things happen. This way of you need to talk to the principal you can tell them the times an dates of things your child has told you and also what course of action you have taken previously. Theses things could be calls to the bus garage, the child's teacher, or even counselors or professionals who are aware of something happening at school. Establishing a clear time line of events can help school administrators to work on issues happening. Also remember how you treat school employees can effect how they respond to you. They are human beings. If you shout, swear, or become unreasonable, often the person you are trying to talk to is put into defense mode as a natural human response. Being level headed allows for communication that is productive rather than restricted. Let's face it, it's also very embarrassing when our kids act up. Many people feel like the school is judging them for their child's behavior. Things to remember here:

1. Most children do something that eventually leads them to corrective action, even if it is a just a talk with the teacher. I'm a preacher and my kids acted up at school. Children are little human's who are all still learning. Learning involves making mistakes and consequences. Parents are often defensive out of embarrassment, but really in the schools you don't have to be, everyday something happens that embarrasses adults, but is normal to a child. (Kids pick buggies, let toots, throw stuff, make messes, drop things.. mix that with scissors and glue.. and of course oh my!)
2. procedures determine course of action - if your child has a write up he or she may not be suspended and a student who did the same thing last week might be suspended because they had 2 or 3 write ups already or vice versa. Discipline in school is generally progressive, but also an attempt to hold children accountable for their actions. Where one student is on the behaviors journey is different from the others.  What one child has to do to make relationship repairs with other students and staff may differ from another, it is not about personal preferences for a student. 
3. laws prohibit school workers from telling your what anther child's discipline will be. Many times parents scream at me because I won't say that another child is being suspended or going to detention after an altercation with their child. Sorry  FERPA prevents this from top to bottom. This law also protects your child. also from the pastoral aspect, the law protects your child's confidences, just like yours. We report anything that is a danger to a child's health and safety. Most all schools and church's require their workers to be mandatory reporters. Abuse to children and vulnerable adults gets reported but not things that are confided such as " I was really the one who wrote in marker on my mom's sofa".. sorry mom, the law protects confidence.
   
4. If you have a problem contact the school directly, don't use social media. Its passive aggression and not conducive to getting results. You should also remember that it can backfire if your child has taken part in a serious offense. If your child is engaged in anything that is deemed criminal, posting on social media can offer information to the general public and therefore it is not protected from courtroom proceedings. Also remember that the parents of the accused can press charges if the statements made on social media are defamation of character. 

 Last thoughts, schools really want to propel your child's success. As our student, your child's learning journey reflects upon our skills and hard work. We want your child to succeed. This is something that has to be done as a holistic approach. The school, family, and all involved in your son or daughter's care must be done together. Healing occurs in stages, but often is propelled further along when there is a clear, consistent plan of action for a child in place. There are many outside agencies and services available to families through both the county and state. Please contact your school's principal or social worker if you are in need of extra guidance. 

Weights of Grace and Forgiveness

Working just one day in a school building you will see things that you will never forget. Any given day is a mixed bag of people, experiences, and moments that are will stay with you for a lifetime. Any of these days require grace and a ton of forgiveness. Grace, healing power, and forgiveness are supposed to be freeing agents. They the connection between God and the people He made, they are what keep us bonded to Him. We are called to distribute both as God has, but at times I am not sure that we truly understand how to execute this. A lot of times we don't even want to try. Some people may ask me how could I say that grace is heavy? If it is supposed to set us free how can we feel it so heavily? For me, the weight is involved with my reactions to people in the schools and the things I see and feel. For me, grace is heavy because I have to ask for so much if it. Forgiveness is equally heavy as well as I like to hold on to it. It is never given without some personal cost. Each time we go through the process we have to give something to go through it well. 

There are many situations that take place in schools daily that you think you will only read about.  Kids bully each other. Things just happen as the kids are growing. They are constantly bumping into each other, getting in trouble as they learn to follow rules, those things are in a days' work. There are other things though that one should never see, we see it daily. You will see parents who are willing to bully their children in front of the staff. " I just don't want to deal with you and your bulls#it today!" causing the child to feel like they are a thing, an object of misery in their parent's lives. " If you could just sit still like your sister!" (ha you'll never be as good as she is!") or "You ..............." just fill in the blanks because somethings you can't put down in print. My mind is filled with sadness and anger. I want to lash out and ask them if they are proud of their bullying skills and if they plan to invest in the counseling their child will need to heal from it? I need the grace to overcome my sarcasm and desire to scream at them.

I see other parents daily with students with disabilities that have no desire to help their children break free from what is holding them back. Instead, they teach the child to use their disability like a badge for bad behavior passes or a license to bully staff members. I see other parents that can barely care for themselves. They want to do what is right, yet they have not got the tools to care for themselves, let alone their children. There those who are at times overly proud and refuse to use the services the schools offer and connect with. I want to shout "We're here to help! Why won't you work with us, rather than against?" I have to forgive and recognize my own pride aches at being turned away from the healing process.  Jesus also commanded us to love our enemies, loving them often involves educating and teaching those who resist breaking the cycles of life they have learned the hard way.

I see teachers who are loving and caring people hanging on by a thread because they can't reach some students and others that need their time are blocked from it. I see people who are talented that feel like a failure in spite of their magnificent giftedness because they just can't get through a day in class without major disruptions from students and the hours of testing they have to put up with. This grace is heavy because I have to accept that it is God's own hands that must carry them. I have only two hands and very few real hours to support them. 

My coming to care challenge today is "How do I let go of those weights, without becoming apathetic to the situations?"

"How do I empower others?"

"How do I show others this grace while letting them keep their dignity?"

Last but not least, "How do I go to work each day without wrapping myself in bubble wrap, putting on a plastic helmet, and eating ice cream by the quart in the teachers' lounge while sobbing?" 

Only God knows.

Their Eyes See Everything, Teachers and the Kingdom of God

Jesus said that our children own the kingdom of heaven. I think it is because of what they haven't leaned and the potential that they have to learn everything. What do you do though when you can't teach a child anything because they are suffering? What do you do when the conditions in the classrooms and the lives our young students are so broken down you just hope to get through the day? When you are a teacher or educator you can do anything but look away.  Teachers are servant ministers engaging in a higher calling that we have failed to recognize.

In society, so often it is easier to look away when something makes us uncomfortable. When someone is underdressed, underfed, smelly, sick and neglected in public most people just look away. Teachers see kids like this every day.  They cannot close their eyes to those students who are suffering. Those eyes have been trained to see. Their hearts naturally feel as ministers of our children they feel deeply. How I wish the eyes of others would be opened to the suffering of our children and their caregivers during the school day. Teachers see with the eyes of the Spirit. They see people who long to made whole and accepted. People who have potential and an open book of life before them.

I remember when my kids were old enough to begin washing dishes and laundry. I told my husband, I love them, but I don't want them to be dependent on me for everything so they must learn! I tried to give them every tool I had to create independence for life.  Independence is one thing, neglect is another. I wanted my kids to stand on their own two feet but never ever stand alone.

 Awaken your eyes to the sounds of those around you are vulnerable and have no voice. Do not turn away from those who are crying out to you even though there are no tears left to cry with.
Neglect is 100% an ugly animal that exists in our school children's everyday lives. In just a few days I have seen neglect so obvious that I wonder how my teachers are able to get out of bed each day and uphold the duties of teaching.  Being immersed in pain that been inflicted by uncaring people on their students, how can they teach after seeing so much? Somehow they do, gifted as they are but it comes with a great personal cost.

The student who must learn in order to "be something" is tired, hungry, cold, unbathed, teased because of conditions outside of their control.  They are expected to produce work to show what they know, yet stress and worry leave so little room in their heads for textbook learning. The teacher who must teach in spite of worry, a broken heart, and anger when they have the courage to confront these things, they must still teach. It robs so many of the moments that they needed for positivity. Students who are not neglected suffer because of the difficulty making relationships with the ones who suffer is tough. It is hard to be friends with kids who don't have the tools to be social or conditions that are easy to cope with. Regardless of where you are in the classroom, the teachers see them all.

We need to be ever ready to help our teachers. We need to bring blessings to them.  They are the hands and feet of Jesus during the day as servant ministers of knowledge. If children own the kingdom and teachers are giving them the building blocks for it they should be the highest on our list of who to help.

From Doctrine and Covenants 162:6a. From the earliest days, you have been given a sacred principle that declares the inestimable worth of all persons. Do not forget. 

b. The One who created all humankind grieves at the shameful divisions within the human family. A prophetic people must work tirelessly to tear down walls of separation and to build bridges of understanding. 

c. You hold precious lives in your hands. Be gentle and gracious with one another. A community is no stronger than the weakest within it. Even as the One you follow reached out to those who were rejected and marginalized, so must the community that bears his name. 

School houses are nations in the kingdom of God all of their own that suffer from the human divisions. Prayers are great and appreciated, but breathing bodies that care are needed just as much. Teachers are vessels of blessings that long to be poured out into cups that can overflow. It's just that when all of the energies are based on just getting through everything, the contents become splashed all over. Some cups are filled and others are completely empty. It is a difficult thing to be so full of servant desires with hopes and dreams but to also be immeshed in the forefront of human suffering. It creates sorrow in ways that cannot be expressed.

Teachers, I know that the time is here when you are just hanging on to your sanity. Many of your kids have been neglected and it is the worst feeling in the world to try to teach and heal at the same time. I am no real teacher, just a lady who had enough credits to be a sub. If there is nothing more I can do, I will be a voice, I will stand up for you. I will recognize the powerful ministry that you give.


To our community, it is time for us to put our best foot forward and empower the people that are building our kingdom so diligently. The time is now. Will you join your teachers and help? Will you help build the kingdom in this way? If anything will you hug your teachers and love them? Will you offer support to them as they care for our kids?

Thanking Mr. Marcy

When I started this blog it was because my son was being bullied at school. I was at my witts end and my son was entertaining thoughts of suicide. Meetings with teachers, parents, and social workers were taking place all the time. Strategies were being implemented but none were really having an effect because parents of other children refused to take responsibility for their children and even more important, they refused to make their children take responsibility for their actions. Mr. Marcy was as distraught as I was at my son's suffering and the apathy that other people had displayed in meetings. How could anyone not care that their children were inflicting harm to a student with disabilities? Through the whole process, I remember Mr. Marcy's genuine love and care for not only my son but my entire family.

I remember the sadness in Mr. Marcy's eyes as we determined that my son would be better off being homeschooled the last few months of 6th grade. Now that I am a public school employee, I realize the depth of caring that he had for my son. Genuine love is visible in a principal's face.  There was nothing more to be done. The reality of my son being a danger to himself and others was growing, and a violent outburst after being trapped by three students had finally taken place. I believe Mr. Marcy was genuinely sad when my son walked out the doors for the last time. 

5 months later my son started 7th grade. 13 months later we bought a new home and moved to Mayville schools. Six years passed. We never had the chance to follow up or express in depth our gratitude for all the things that Mr. Marcy tried to do during the last few years our son was at Central. What I never had the chance to say was "Thank you for believing in James, and for loving him enough to try to help".

Life can carry us so many places. Last year my now not so little boy, at six feet five inches, graduated from an alternative ed program. I started subbing in Tuscola County for teachers and my son decided that he wanted to be a substitute paraprofessional. His experiences with learning difficulties and physical difficulties have made him a class "A" parapro. Mr. Marcy now works in our local district. My son and I were working one day when he saw James with a badge and stopped to ask if he was really seeing "his James". There was pride there and a few short hellos before James had to get back to work. I made sure that this time those words didn't get away. I'll say them again here. "Thank you, Mr. Marcy, for all that you have done. Thank you for being genuinely concerned about your students, and for the blessings, you have brought to your students by just being you".

Amen.

Disciples Generous Response, No Roses Musings - FIRST FRUIT or ROTTEN FRUIT?

First Fruit Salad is the combination of time, talents and money used for God. They all matter and are of equal importance.

My faith community has struggled financially the last 10 years. Due to economy and aging membership we have faced some tough decisions. The older I get the more I have come to understand that first fruits giving is an important part of Christian discipline. I lived in relative poverty for much of my youth and for about 13 years after my kids were born. I have chopped wood for heat, lugged water to wash dishes, stood in food lines and been adopted for Christmas many times so that my family could get through. Paying my tithing was what I believe lifted me from poverty. Not just physical poverty, but mental poverty as well.

DARE NOT TO COMPARE!
When I first started giving regularly to the church it was $2.50 cents each week. I wanted to have an amount so that I knew what my goal was because tossing in the left overs each week just didn't feel right to me anymore. This was at time when my husband made about 200.00 each week and we spent 40.00 weekly just in diapers. Gas had also climbed very high at times $3.95 a gallon or more. The economy had also crashed and we were a construction family so we were hit hard first. I wanted to try to give God something more. In truth I felt that my offering was paltry and that I was a bit ashamed of my gift to the church, but I kept at it and kept trying every few months to add something more. I began to notice how my husband and I had many miracles take place, especially when his work was very low. The generosity of the people in our faith community helped us many times to stay on our feet and to feel like we were valued members of the church. Strange refund checks would come to us from utility companies or other things stating we over paid.. always when we were at our lowest. I wanted so badly to be that person though, one who would be able to give without thought to personal cost, with the same kind of heart as the members of my church.. then I learned something.....


NEWS FLASH!!
At some point I decided that I would raise our tithing/offering to ten dollars weekly, 5 for local and 5 for the world church. My husband was working a little more boarding up repossessed homes and the kids getting older. I envisioned that most working people were contributing $30.00 - $50.00 weekly maybe more, because that was what I wanted to give, but I could not. I was so wrong about many things. One day I spoke to a bishop in the church. He told me that he was proud of my husband and I for our giving between hours donated at camps and money. I thought he was just trying to be really kind. Then he told me the facts. The average family paid roughly $24.00 a month in tithing. I have no idea if those numbers are true today, but it hurt my feelings to know that we as a society  have $100.00 a pair, pairs of blue jeans, $50.00 one time nights to the movies, but the church was struggling just to make ends meet. They had to let people go. My husband and I were trying to put in $20.00 of that $24.00 monthly, I wished that I had thousands. For us though that meant at times giving something up. I was also then very sorry that I spent so much time feeling bad, because we were in truth giving sacrificially for us. I should have been doing this with a glad heart, because I had something to share, and could. True capacity is between you and God. No one else. We wake each day with a balance of time, talents, and money. God knows it all because he gave us those things. Capacity is not a measure against others, but what we can do with our own potential.

TOSS OUT YOUR SPOILED FRUITS..
Over the last 5 years, the losses of the church have been much more profound. Many people are being called upon to be volunteers, so that means that they must now compete with "secular work time" to be able to minister later... The seventies for many years were paid appointments, they were the ones who would spend their time bringing people to Christ and helping congregations form relationships with seekers... with having to work a day job now, that lessens the time significantly that people have to make those relationships count. I have to confess that I am rather tired of hearing that it is society's fault. People don't want church or commitment.. that has been the case since the start of time, because humans have never liked discipline, ever. We like to be comfortable and nothing less. People have other things to do, and they often choose those other things that are rotten fruit activities.. This is no new predicament. What is new is the excuses that we generate to remain aloof in our giving and church living, because we know even in our own ears that excuses get old. We let our fears help us make the list as long as possible and we keep adding more to the list as we go along. It is time for us to be sharing our first fruits in everything, and to stop clinging to our "rotten fruit reasons", because we are spoiling the fruit before we even take a moment to give. The church has developed what we feel are the 5 ideals found in the gospel of Luke, that define Christ's plans for us today. Here are some rather direct, but true ways that we can improve our giving in these 5 areas..

 Invitation to Christ, we need to stop being stingy with our words and give it our all. Invitation creates an idea of welcome. Invite often! Telling our story helps people to understand why we love God, and why we bother to maintain a church life.. (psst, I know families are much smaller today, so that does mean you have to kick it up a step, and share more!)

Develop Disciples to Serve. We need to take Temple School, Meads, and Seminary, stop being stingy with all of our personal development time. We also need to begin putting people to work, stop being stingy and prideful with our "positions" in the church, so that they can share in their first fruits of talents.

Abolish Poverty - End Suffering. Money is good, but making relationships with those that you have given to must be key! We cannot help people find a stable path in life by just giving them dollars or food...when their hearts are broken and aching. End suffering is not just a physical thing, it is Spiritual thing as well.

Pursue Peace   - It is time to stop banking on our pride in personal life. To heal and reconcile bad relationships, so that we can be more fully able to practice what we preach. Teaching others peace, is is often impossible when we do not magnify that in our own lives. Holding on to old grudges, prejudice, and hate consume our time and resources of the heart..

Congregations in Mission:
There can be no one path for any congregations, they are all different. We cannot sit around wishing that we were this or that group of people anymore. We need to find things to do together to maintain friendships and to help people find ways to encounter the church beyond worship! The moment we stop doing things together outside of worship, we have closed off our potential to be inclusive to those who might not be able to bring themselves inside the church on a first time basis. Worship is also for one hour each week. There are 167 more to consider. Also a side rant.. We have to do things more than once to make them a success. It takes time to build people into any program. Always.. so quit giving up before you get started...

SO I GAVE YOU A HARD TIME, NOW WHAT??
Over the last few years as my family conditions improved I continued to raise my offerings.. often before any improvements  actually came. We just gave what we had. I have also added international ministry to my list of to do things and each mission costs about $3,000 between airfare and project expenses. I pay for about 1/2 to 3/4 of most of my missions out of my own pocket, this does not include my offering, tithing, or side donations to humanitarian projects. The rest I need I fund raise. Sometimes I do more than one mission in a year. I am not tooting my own horn here, but I am trying to give you the real picture of my testimony. I just bought a home two years ago with my husband, it is scary to think about that being in my life until I am almost 60.. did I mention that I will get my associates degree in a few months.. and student loan payments will be coming. Most people have this stuff gone by age 45.. I will be 45 in 8 years.. but still I want to go to first fruits giving.

I want to go this route because I believe in the future of my church and in the power of God. God never said that it would be easy, but He did say that He would give us what we need, when we are asking for his kingdom. So I am asking God for bushels of fruit to get the people who lead my faith community back to work, and to allow for new individuals the opportunity to know Christ. I am asking God to help me make better use of my time and to help me to be a fearless inviter, so that others will know that my prosperity comes from Him, and that the same kind of future waits for those who want to have this kind of life. So the choice is ours sit out and spoil, or make something of what we have set in front of us while it is fresh and GIVE...

Friendship Frenzy.. Why Social Media has Screwed up the Word "Friend"

My Brazilian brother "Andertwin" and I in Osucro Sao Paulo.

I have read a lot of posts lately on social media about false friendships and people who feel burned by their "friends". The post have not only been from the USA, but from South America as well. They come from areas where people socialize more in groups that live a middle class lifestyle, and have more opportunity to "hang out", than those who must work all of the time, or have no access to socialization as a free time filler.

 I have discovered in my own walk that real friends are not always people that we see everyday and talk to.. at times those people we think are our "friends" are really more acquaintances than what we realize.We often use the word friend to simply describe people we know.  The emphasis on the word "friend" in society has really been in a way over used in the last ten years. The word friend is over used partially because of modern  lingo birthed from social media. This word abuse came because society has put a lot of pressure on people to acquire as many person to person links as possible in the cyber world. This in many ways has created a messy kind of status quota with huge numbers of friends. It is a requirement that demands that you have a ton of "friends" on your list so that everyone else will want to be your friend too, and that people you really like will see that you have tons of people who "like" you too.

I should also mention along the way that there is a sense of duty that as long as we are all friends we have to take seriously everything our friends have plastered on social media and maintain a relationship with them because we are friends. How many of you have been reamed out for missing an FB invite or Tweet?. What about getting in trouble for not liking something that you find offensive?? We post, tweet, pin, and whatever else we belong to, so that our "friends" will know what we like. Real friends in my opinion don't want to know every aspect of my life like this, so that we CAN be friends. I say this because real friends want to know more than just what is on the surface... and social media likes is often only a surface. Real friends pick up the phone and call you, or message you in a chat where you are actually replying so that there are two warm bodies in certain communication.. sometimes today people still talk face to face.

Real friends are the people that you can go without seeing for  a long time, but you know that they are thinking of you. They feel your absence in their heart when you are gone, but work hard to make whatever time you have together count. Even if that time is a phone call from another country. Real friends are people who you argue your beliefs with, but don't have to change your point of view to remain in their good graces. In my faith community we call this faithful disagreement. It is a requirement in friendships that last. Real friends hurt when you are hurting, they do not revel in your suffering. Real friends tell you to your face when your are dressed badly, but still walk out to dinner with you hair not brushed and shoes half tied.

If your "friend" kicks you to the curb because you spilled coffee on them,  or missed a phone call, chances are that friend was not your friend at all.  Same goes for people who get overly rude about political view. Real friends might not like what we think, but understand at least WHY we think as we do. Trivial things do not define real friendships. Loving people through life's biggest challenges and the worst days of their lives, those are real friendships. Real friends call you back to crab you out for missing  a phone call, then crab at themselves because they were mad at you in the first place.

I have many people whom I call my friend in truth. I have some that are my "best friends". Others I love so much that I traded them in as "friends" and have kept them as family, because for me that means forever. Those are my tried and true friends who I can count on to pray for me and stand with me when the world would gladly walk away. Real friends do not come boxed in doubts. There is assurance that they love you for you.. and so I urge my young friends, especially those who struggle with the world of friendships right now, to think about the criteria that they use to define friendship. If a friendship comes with condition of liking only what they like. or having to do all of the giving, it is not a friendship. Friendship comes with two parts giving and receiving. Friendship comes with grace and forgiveness. IF these things are missing, I think it is better to feel they are an acquaintance.  Acquaintances are important, but we can cut ourselves a little slack on the daily emotional attachment end of things.

Remember that part of Coming to Care posts are also about caring for ourselves. Don't get caught up in media pressures. Love yourself enough to chose quality over quantity..

Feeling Peace in the Midst of Mayhem

Saying No to Drama and Drain of Constant Connection

The world has become a very hostile place to live these days.. In Brazil a doctor was denied her right to go to the bank because of a metal implant in her arm, it set off alarms, videos were posted. People in major US cities are flying off the handle every chance they get, behaving like the very people they tend to make fun of in other nations on other days. In the east people are suspicious of westerners. Westerners are suspicious of people in the central Americas. Southern Americans (south of the equator Americans) are afraid in their own communities as poverty has created difficult living conditions. No wonder anti-anxiety medications are being dispensed at an all time high..

People use Facebook and Twitter as a political and religious platform outlet, rather than a way too just keep up with each other..in fact sometimes it creates less social interactions and more isolation then intended. There are tons of blanket statement prejudiced pictures with rotten sayings posted daily and people click "like" with out a second thought to what that "cool funny thing" is doing to a human being someplace else.It is indeed a social media mayhem at times.  Of course this kind of media spills over into our homes. Kids believe everything they read on social media.. and well Millennials put everything out on social media they should not.

I have found that at times I can use social media for positive things. Sharing hope, asking for prayers for others.. offering to pray for others. This is my way of working around the negative stuff.. but in truth to find true peace in my heart, I found the only way to find peace was to unplug. I gave up television years ago, I stopped using Linkedin, Twitter, and Pintrest.  I use facebook to stay connected, because it does let me choose what kinds of drama I accept at my front door so to speak. It lets me stay connected with my family and church family around the globe.

(Small Side Rant)
I have never been a fan of drama. I don't let people goad me into losing my temper or into their pity parties when they are just trying to get attention. Over time and lots of reading, I can tell when people are just trying to spark certain emotions. I try not to feed those beasts, because we need to deal with things in the real world, and not in cyber space. I am not saying that people should not say they are having a bad day. I am not saying that people should not express opinions, because they should. What I am saying is that people really need to grow up and stop being so self centered with their posts and reactions to others posts. I really hate it when people post something they know will offend others, then say " I will delete you if you respond negatively".. to me that sounds like a small child throwing a tantrum rather than an adult posting an opinion.. which BTW opinions are subject to debate.

(Back to my point)
Healthy adult relationships are built on give and take between people that are having an argument. They can agree to disagree without having to have one person trump the other. I find I have more peace in my life when I quit trying to prove my side of things to others. I feel that if I am right, then my point will often prove itself, others just have to learn the hard way. Sometimes I am the one who has to learn the hard way.

My former school mate posted a rather wonderful rant about people needing to grow up, especially in political expression. We have the right to show support for our candidates, but not to beat down others for whom they support. We have the right to vote for people who might not do everything right, but still have major views in common with us. We have the right to take sides on issues, but not to cut down a persons being, just because we don't like their political views. A persons worth is not aligned with political stance or beliefs in religion. My faith community holds the belief that all have a worth that no kind of worldly estimation can be placed upon us. It is easier to find peace when we accept that we need to practice holy indifference. This means that I might not like things about someone, but I can still love them as the total package, we are indifferent in our love for them, even if we do not like everything about them.

I know lots of good and loving people who vote differently than I, have different views on immigration and taxes.. but at the end of the day that does not take away from the love that God has given us. I know that people in that day and age a drowning in pain and suffering, much of what is said, they say because they feel that no one is listening to them. The truth is though because it is a social media driven life we live, what is being said is impacting the entire planet into a place of distrust and frenzy, because everyone is listening and watching.

So how do we get to this place of peace? This place where life is less frenzied and more livable? In invite you to actively seek it, rather than wait for it to show up..I invite you to disconnect as you are truly able. Take just one night a week to say good bye to checking your phone every five seconds. Do this especially if you hate your job. Refuse to feed whining and nagging post popularity that help no one. Take time to roll down your windows and sing at the tops of your lungs rather than try to read email on your ipad on the way home from work. I invite you to turn off the tube and get out old family photos, tell your kids about the things you did before television.. isn't it amazing that all of the retro stuff is what is in .. 3-d rubix ubes,, etch-a-sketch, and yo-yo's have made a come back. why?? because people still need things to do that are offline. There are still a lot of things that people can do, if they truly want to find peace in their lives.It can be found if it is wanted more than the crazy overload of "digital social life"  Peace in the Midst of Mayhem is not impossible, it just has to be intentionally accounted for..

Grace in Places We Don't Expect, Angels in the Office, A Tribute to Mrs. Kinney

Angels in the Office, A Tribute to Mrs. Kinney

15 years ago I moved back to Vassar to live. It was a tough time. My husband and I had two kids in diapers and one of them was brand new. My husband and I were in the class of "working poverty".  My husband and I both worked until my son was seriously ill and had development delays as a result. I never imagined the hardships that we would endure back then. We had to get help with bills, insurance, food, and many things. How badly we wanted to take care of ourselves, it just never seemed to happen no matter how hard we worked. When my son was ill, I had to stop working full time. 

Many times we hear the horror stories of dealing with caseworkers and with office workers from government agencies, unless you have lived it though, it is hard to fathom. If you have ever waited in line for food, jumped trough the hoops of medicaid, food stamps, or assistance of any kind, you know that people who have abused the system before you have created a bureaucratic nightmare. They also have created a personal nightmare for people who are not used to being treated with suspicion or talked to as if they have always lived in the system. The world in which we live has taken away dignity and grace from the vulnerable. Often times those who have charge over the care of  a large group of people in need, develop a lack of sensitivity due to overwhelming amounts of case loads. Sometimes they speak in "on house language" and tend to make people just a part of the herd trying to get through the day. While they are supposed to help people better their lives, they can be a huge source of degrading behavior when the sensitivity wears off.

There are angels in places we least expect them though, even at DHS.. and I know one very well. 

The very first time I met with Mrs. Kinney I felt very different from the other times I met someone at a government agency. She looked at me when she spoke to me, and never made faces reading my paper work. She always encouraged me and made me feel like we were making progress when others me made feel "just less". I felt well, human for the first time since I was pregnant for my son and in need of medicaid. People have no idea how hard it is to ask for help, and to admit that you are not making it alone. 

The cubicles that are used at DHS for meetings with workers are more so temporary intake places rather than an actual work space. They can feel cold and very impersonal. Now days people often get only a phone call or a pile of paperwork to send in the mail. It is hard to ever feel that you are something more than just a number in this respect. I know that Mrs. Kinney is a bright and shinning star in a place where people often want to be any place but there because she made you feel welcome in these little cookie cutter cubicles. She always spoke to my kids and thanked them for being good when they went with me. 

I know that for a long time she has spoke of retiring this year and is giving one more year as a supervisor instead of much deserved time off. I just want to take my hat off and say thanks so much for bringing dignity to people who are considered "the least of these" in our community. People like you have made life still worth living and fighting for in tough times. In a world where people desperately need to know that caring people exist, you do your part to fulfill that need. Thanks so much for showing grace to people in an unexpected place and for being and angel in your office. ~ Jos

Lenten Moment: Goodbye to Grudges

We have been on a journey these last 34 days trying to connect with the Lord. Some call it Lent others call it just Easter time. No matter what it is called this time of preparation, self examination is a powerful road to healing.

Ten Years ago I left the church building I was attending, shaken to the core The young adults group had watched the Passion of the Christ. One of the most painful experiences I have ever endured, because I saw what happened to my Jesus, the one whom I knew was calling me. Sometimes people assume that when a person has become a Christian that it means you are turning either into a pushover of sorts that takes abuse and has no spine, or they assume that you are "holier than thou" as some say, and a stark raving mad lunatic who pushes the "lake of fire" sermon on old ladies who ride buses. I know that is extreme, but I have heard just about everything between since I began to profess my faith 30 years ago. I hear even more as an ordained minister who is active with the poor. Really we are just people who are going through the motions of life and everyone's journey is different. No matter what people say though we have our own faults and we make mistakes. We also have the tendency to judge others and struggle inside, but Jesus knew that about us and the abuse that was suffered by him  for us was something I could not fathom until it was set before my eyes.

In my own mind I know that part of what He endured was to set me free from all the rocks that I have carried around my neck. Burdens of personal fault, burdens of stupid things that I have done. Then the things that happened because of my life circumstances. Living in poverty, being an outcast for being over weight, raising my own kids who suffered from the same hateful treatment as I did at school. It hit me like a ton a of bricks that night, that my worst rock..well gigantic boulder, was I still harbored a lot of hate for people I went to school with. I would see them in stores and restaurants and want to scream "and just who the hell are you now??"  when they would say hello to me. It was wrong and horrible, because that night made me realize something. This time in my life still owned me, but I never thought about where they were in life either at that time. People only know what they are raised to know. Bullies often have tough relatives that teach them that route and when a child suffers at home, the outlet is the playground at school. The truth behind many school aged children is that life is at times pure hell.

 Some of my class mates had parents with ugly divorces that left them damaged, my parents never fought at home, or talked badly about each other when they split.  Many were attention starved. There were many kids that were never told that they were loved, or that they looked nice by a parent or sibling. I was blessed that my dad would give compliments when they were due, even if they were very simple. When I would play my flute in church my dad would often say "not bad at all". I did not need to hear anything more because from him it was always with a huge grin. I realized that the kids I went to school with would have killed for my life in some ways, to be praised at something or just loved.

My Dad let me travel alone at 15 and 17 to World Conference. He gave me money and put me on a plane twice, without any hesitation. I went to summer youth camp with my grandma Hazel and week long camps with my dad. My mom took us on weekends to do fun things, we went bowling and had midnight doughnut runs. I did a lot of things that many people did once, if they were lucky.. and the entire time, I knew I was loved by my dad, my aunts and uncles, my mom and grandparents.. I also was loved by people in my faith community.

When the Passion was over we left the church very quietly.. all of us in shock. I thought about Jesus and his suffering and realized that I never really knew what had happened beyond a "story telling" point of view. He suffered the worst.. I decided that it was "for my worst" I needed to get rid of things that stood in the way of my ministry and relationship with God. I was a smoker at the time, but one of the worst things that haunted me were the things that happened to me at school. The things that people said would come back to me and I would feel belittled and small. Other times I would feel angry and think of all the things I could have said and done to teach them a lesson, had I known then what I know now. I would often feel that I was worthless and had nothing to give to God, because it was what I had been told for  the 13 years, when I was supposed to be developing a self esteem. I realized that I had given those people power over my relationship with Jesus with a ten thousand pound  chip on my shoulder and that I needed to let my anger and my hate go.

Not to long after that, I saw a girl at the store that had been a popular kid at school and a terrible tormentor of mine. I realized that she was very unhappy and that her cart contained items common of people who were living on food stamps that needed to be stretched. She also had a toddler with her. I have been there. I did not look on her in pity, she did not need that. What I did do was say hello without  gritting my teeth when she acknowledged me. I asked her of she had stayed in Vassar and what she was doing. She seemed relieved that I was not angry with her. I could sense that she was trying to apologize to me through awkward conversation as we waited in the check out line. She gave me a little wave when she left.

 In that moment I realized that I had truly let go of my hate for my former classmates. I no longer felt like I needed to think of ways that I could prove myself better or shrink away in shame from them. I just wanted them to feel what I feel, a great love of God. It was a freeing moment that I had literally waited my whole life for. In 2007 I quit smoking, in March of 2010, I was ordained to the office of priest, a minster for families. It totally changes the way that you think about others and the life that we live. In July of last year, I was ordained to elder, a minister who is responsible for bringing blessings.

In the last few years I have found myself as an adviser to many people whom I never would have spoken too had I not let go of my anger and hate. I find that the challenges that people face can be overcome with sharing Jesus Christ and by taking journeys together. With Lent, Advent, and every day in between we have the power to change our lives and experience the grace  and the ability to say goodbye to grudges. If we refuse to let ourselves be trapped by things of the past we have no where to go but forward in blessing.

God bless you. Jos

Everyone Passes Gas, and Other Stuff We Learn in Marriage that Really Matters...

15 Year Survival Guide

Many of my readers know that recently I celebrated 15 years of marriage. In a world where more than fifty percent of marriages "buy the farm" (some in less than 6 months) it is not something we hear these days from people my age. I'd be full of it if I said "we never fight" or that every day is perfect, but it has been the best 15 years I have ever had. That kinda perfection junk is for Disney and my husband and I find it to be more frightening that the reality of disagreeing and making mistakes. Here is what we learned to survive... 

Tell the truth early on.....

Lima beans, Carrot cake with raisins and too much junk extra, Cucumbers.. Things that my husband hates.... he told me up front to ease his personal pain.. I should have done the same

First off being honest about stuff can be painful especially early on in a relationship, but I swear it builds character, rather than pretend you like what he likes just spill!! I remember the third date I had with my husband at home. He made me a venison stew. It was a thoughtful homemade meal.. Did I mention that I hate 4 legged woods bound cuisine of any kind and seafood!!! Nope I chickened out... I toughed out the first night's meal with mountain of ketchup and mental prayer. The same effect CANNOT be reached when the left overs are stew or any broth based meal that cannot be drowned in ketchup.. (shudders here).. Just go for honesty!

Stuff you don't really know.. explain it how you understand it!!

 I'd like to mention that knowing car parts is not required for marriage success of any kind.. I know many of them, but the language of "That banging thingy that goes up and down" covers everything from the exhaust, stuff in suspension, and pistons.."... just sayin.. Also plumbing and electrical have their own vocabulary.. and a lot of times "damn it" bridges the gap between the two. I actually am the electrical and plumbing expert in the family. turning jewelry groomed me for wiring light switches and sockets.. who would'a thought?

When Silence Matters Most!

Let's just start with any time you want to say "I told you so". Get rid of that phrase here and now learn to tell yourself "shut up" inside first.. here is why....

When it comes to a Christmas tree that falls over after an hour of decorating (you may have said it needs an anchor wire), and  it catches the carpet on fire, don't laugh.. EVER. At least not until your husband has gone outside to enjoy the finer parts of falling snow and some nerve soothing nicotine. If you stand there and laugh with your brother while the blazes of hell and the carpet smolder in front of you it can cause a little friction.

Also no matter how much you scream or yell, if there are woodchucks, raccoon, or annoying small games in the garden, it is pointless to yell much when your husband just opens the door and shoots them where he stands.  -- side note -- you also don't have to yell about a raccoon that has ran up a telephone pole in the back yard after getting shot with an arrow.. you see if they get caught up on an electrical pole until the carcass falls 6 weeks later, the stink is enough to remind him that might not have been the best idea,. you need to say nothing.

More About What You don't really Know..

Languages.... I speak 4. 2 fluently 2 elementary.. (English, Portuguese, Spanish and French) My husband however speaks hunting,  fishing, mechanics,  and bbq. All of these skill sets are equally important. While I can bbq and cook up a storm (pride point of my husband's that is certain) we have two different methods for those things. In grilling... "I just flipped that" means "leave it alone for us both.. no translations required"..

Learning your spouses language dialect is important also. I speak "Impatient English". I think Lee has it figured out when I sad "Dear, when you have time can you......??" Really means I want you to do this (insert request here) in the next five minutes or so and I am not really worried about what you are doing this second. Not a pretty truth about what happens in my head, but it is what it is..

When the Alone Hand Matters Most is Not Always in a Euchre Game.

"Stay home partner!" is the phrase uses in the game of Euchre to signify that you want to try to make all the points yourself and score extra points if you succeed. Sometimes when Lee works a lot together time is slim to none.. this also includes when I am away on mission projects out of the country or at summer camps.. They tend to run back to back..  I like to to try to make up for lost time on Lee's days off. When Lee says "not really" or "I'm good" as a very slow reply to questions about places I want to drag him, it equals a firm no. "I think not" equals for lack of better words "hell no". This includes going to most baby showers, restaurants that he finds annoying, and also bead stores of any kind.


Last, But Not Least "Passing Gas"--

Everyone does it eventually so running away the first year of marriage to do so is a waste of time. I come from a family with sour insides.. and I am a good German with an affection for sauerkraut so it is a reality. You can be a traditionalist and say "excuse me" or when you are sure the outcome is going to be ugly shouting "Rusty! Bad dog!" is quite acceptable, until your children conceived in love and raised in truth, begin to say "Mom either you or Rusty need to see the vet and get that fixed". We don;t have a dog so the humor here is pretty plain. My husband remains blissfully silent. (see section three title for more info..)...

Happy Fifteen Dear!

Fat ...Not Your Momma's "F" Word

Thoughts From the Inside of a Plus Size Diva

What's Up...

To the national magazine who has decided to use a plus size model for a cover.. thanks from the bottom of my heart. Even if she is really just a normal sized curvy lady.. she is more realistic than models that only get to eat 4 days a week and have often starved themselves or have suffered other things just to be on the cover.... 

I have been a plus size diva my whole life.. even when I was "skinny".. I needed size 14-16 women's jeans. I think that for some people it is hard to imagine what weight issues can do to someone.. so I wanted to tell you a little bit about the "f" word and what it is like to be called "fat'.. and why people who are not plus size in truth should not use the word to complain about themselves to others because you could be really hurting someone. Also want to share what I discovered last year that has left me feeling hopeful..

Born Big Boned??

I grew up in a family with a few other plus size members, but most of my family were fairly healthy average size people. Out of four kids I stuck out like a sore thumb and sometimes felt bad for my siblings when they had to claim me in their group. I can remember people telling my mother that "I was big boned, and did she have me to the doctors for it?"  I wondered if it was something serious, I worried for days about it until I finally got the courage to ask my sister who told me I would not die from big bones...... My older sister was smaller than I, and it was difficult to know that her clothes were always smaller than mine, and that a lot of times things that I liked that she wore, would never fit me. I never could borrow anything from her...  My older sister was never cruel to me about my weight. She tried hard to help me find clothes that would look nice to keep me from being teased, but it was hard to find them and I often had to wear boys and men's clothing as child because there were not "husky" sizes for girls and my mom had to quit sewing for me when she had gone to work full time. I also had a great selection of matronly clothing from women who were aghast that I wore boys clothing to school. The only thing in my life at that time that was worse than the boys clothing, being dressed like an old woman.... in the 4th grade...... A kind woman named Ursi, the mom of two of my class mates, made some stuffed animals for me, a pink dragon, a turtle.... she made them by hand.. she had no idea that at times in my life, they were all that I had to cling too.. in her eyes I was someone...

 Just going to school was very painful, kids can be very cruel. I was hit, bit, slapped, kicked and choked on the school bus, because I was fat. What was worse were  adults who knew better, could be more so cruel than children at times. Ignoring the taunts I endured or saying things themselves.. I remember one time that I was at a breakfast at the church in Juniata and a man I knew asked me "do you like sausage?.". I answered truthfully "yes". He smiled and said that he knew I did because "I was a little piggy". I wanted to run away scream, cry anything just to get away from him.  I wanted to stick my fork in his leg and let him see what it felt like to be hurt by someone. I was only 7 years old. I actually did not let go of that hurt until I saw him as a frail old man at his own brother's funeral..  

Teacher's Pet

I can list about 50 synonyms for "fat" probably more than most kids I went to school with.. I heard them all through out school... it was a peer study group activity, I studied daily with one kid or another. Synonym for fat.. hummm "tubby, chubby, tub o'lard, fatty, Stay Puft, girnormus" How am I I doing here? During gym I was  always chosen last for teams, unless it was dodge ball day, because then I was a fabulous human shield for girls who did not want to get drilled in the face during gym class with a rubber ball. (remember the heavy rubber ones circa 1970?). I was always picked first for dodge ball and for tug of war..   I endured the teasing from kids that were popular in Junior and Senior High, telling me one kid or another liked me (usually one of the jocks). I never fell for it because I had enough training in elementary boot camp to know that no one in the school was interested in dating me.. being fat does not make one stupid, EVER.. but many people think so. Many of my teachers tried to help me keep my chin up and cope with the bullies but it was not easy. this kind of teasing just wears you out. Often though, when the teachers protected me, kids just lashed out harder out of ear shot. Still though to Pat Middlin, Judy Gander, Ann Anklam, Kelly Hengy, and Bonnie Butts, Diane Hackett, I love you, forever, nuff said. 

As I grew older people tried to veil their rude comments a little about my weight. Even try to make them a compliment.. "that shirt looks good on a big girl like you: "thanks, lucky for your behind that you can out run me".. People would say things like "she has such a pretty face......" (yep I get it, the rest is junk).. or "her mother needs to give her less dessert." as if I was too stupid to comprehend in my brain ( in conjunction with the amount of fat on my body) to know that my face was the only normal sized thing on my body. Sometimes people would tell me at gatherings of sorts that I didn't need any dessert. really helpful thanks.. . I am sure not one person there needed dessert either, because we all know that it is super healthy for everyone. (yep that is sarcasm)

Stupid Questions

Many people for a long time even into my adulthood have asked me if I have ever tried to diet.?? Humm have I EVER tried??  The first one I failed was when I was in the second grade. I lost 8 lbs, then started on a  growth spurt and my progress went down the toilet, with myself esteem. Then 4th grade, 5th grade and junior high... When I was sophomore in high school I started on blood pressure meds and I hated it that I had to take what I thought of as "old people meds" at that age, and a no salt diet.  I also had beginning stages of  deep depression, although I didn't know that was it. Depression fuels obesity, obesity makes you depressed. Yep we have an infinity symbol thingy happening right here...  It is one very vicious cycle.The only saving grace in high school I had, was that some what stylish plus size clothing was starting to take root at main stream stores. My senior year I did not have to wear all men's jeans for the first time.. I even owned a casual wear dress that year, but I still just wanted to be and dress like other people. I don't even know why I wanted to be like people who took such great joy at hurting me.

The BAD FAD Diet...

After I graduated and moved out I started to loose some weight, but it was because I was eating too little and I knew it. I ate a lot of toast and coffee for meals. (started smoking too) I tried to exercise and I worked three jobs sometimes to try to stay busy, but finally I got into taking  speed to try to get my weight down.. Went down it did! It also gave me an enlarged left ventricle in my heart to go with it. How nice. More pills, more problems. I now needed a serious blood pressure medication and medication to try to help with my condition that started from the bp meds........  btw when a doctor tells you the words open heart surgery while your preggers, it makes you feel sicker than morning sickness. I was healed of the leaking valve praise God, but I still gotta watch myself..

I got off drugs, met my husband and then I had two kids 10 months a part..... I tried to roll with the punches of baby weight, but I could not get my weight to go back down. I did South Beach, Atkins, and lots of fads.... but they often raised my blood pressure because foods that are "diet" are HIGH in salt and aspartame. The diet coke I was drinking was also making me sicker than I care to admit with the shakes and head aches.....  In all honesty at that point I felt worthless and I felt like hell for 10 years after that. My husband's love and his affection helped me to cope with things, but it was still painful. I developed some coping with humor mechanisms to try to help with it. I often said to him things to try to poke fun at myself "well dear you sorta got the short end of the stick.. because my pre-baby size was false advertisement" he hated that because to him I was beautiful.  The worst one was always "Do my snow pants make me look fat? or does my fat make me look fat??" Like I said defense mechanisms..

I tried to exercise and do things to get my weight down for years, I often hurt myself trying to do exercise routines that were long and grueling.. but have you ever seen a 300lbs plus female exercise? It takes courage to put those clothes on.. three words "awkward, rotten, awkward.." It is isn't easy or good to do too much the first time. I gave it up because I could not go to a gym and feel good there and I had back spams more often than not from bad routines.. no one had told me that you build up endurance first or that you can start small and win big in the end.. 

Mirror Mirror

I used to call "fat" the other "f" word. I hated to hear thin people stand at a mirror say "I am so fat!" knowing that I would have given anything to be that small. It is really a very hurtful thing to do around people that are obviously bigger than you, and it actually left little desire for me to be friends with people who did that. Just an FYI. most plus size divas really hate this, even if they never say a word to you about it.. why.. because it hurts to say out loud, "you are no where near as big as me"..Most people who read my blog are people who know me and would say that they would never do anything to hurt me, and I believe that, but sometimes it is the times that people indirectly hurt

us because they just have no idea that are being cruel picking at themselves..

The Ugly Truth

Sometimes it is hard to look at old pics where I stick out... This is of my babies from Cameroon and their mom and caregiver...  just before they left for Huston Texas... my love for these girls has kept me from cropping myself out... but you can't use thinify on pics with multiple people... just sayin...

4 years ago I did two years of food journals and counseling with my doc and worked all the time trying to get things in order for a healthier me. I thought bariatric surgery, but I had 4 surgeries a year before and I did not heal well.. He said that I was neither lazy nor eating badly as I had though I was. So I asked him " why then am I this way??" He wasn't sure, but he did blood work. Everything was normal  and he wanted me to consider some different medical approaches.. but he transferred to the hospital before I could work with him further. His replacement said that she would not honor the food journals I did. I think she thought I was lazy or a liar. I burned my journals and stopped caring. For a while I gave up trying to take care of myself. People thought that I was lazy and  stupid because of my size. "Let them think it then!" I thought.... but.... then answers came... 

  While some of my stature is genetic, much of it is caused by a disease that I have called Poly-cystic Ovarian disease. I was diagnosed last year finally..... but a serious unrelated illness delayed the right kind of treatment to get things going. This condition causes a hormone imbalance that can knock you off of your feet. It causes terrible female cycles of bleeding and timing (sometimes only two or three a year total). I never associated that issue with my weight the right way. I thought that these things happened because I was fat, not that these things could make me this way... While some women would think it is a blessing, when your cycles do come infrequently it is not when they last for 20 days or more with a vicious amount of cramps and blood loss from the breaking cysts it is horrible. When you are a traveler this condition  is very diffident to cope with. My first mission to Brazil in the 109 degree heat, it often made me feel faint and too tired to enjoy the work. I also had to explain to pastor Carlos in my broken Portugese that I needed to go to the pharmacy for " bigger girls things" because the flow from that can wipe out a weeks worth of supplies in 2 days. I praise God he is a Dad in his life..  because it was embarrassing  to explain that  the "supplies" at the local grocery store we too small and not adequate...

I finally went to my doctor to discuss the condition the following spring and to think about a hysterectomy, because I wanted to go back to Brazil and serve God without the health issues... but she had some other things to talk to me about first. She had a good idea of what my condition was because she had seen it many times before and that surgery did not have to be a first option. Ever hear of poly-cystic ovaries? "This disease makes weight loss almost impossible!"  it was the first thing she said to me... This is because the symptoms mimic diabetes and causes poor insulin use by the body and nutrition from  food is used improperly as well. Many people can take diabetic medications to restore healthy cycles and many loose weight because of the better use of insulin. Others just need a diet tweak to get things back in order. Depending on the severity of the condition some women don't need to do much. Sadly, I could not tolerate the meds. They made me horribly sick. My doctor told me that I could still treat the depression part of things and that I could still loose weight but only if I taught my body to work around its issues. First slowly start weigh training to build a healthy core and to just walk to build endurance for better things. It took me two months..  I also had to walk away from pop because of the sugar spikes and it took me a few weeks.. although I do splurge on Guarana when I am in Brazil. My weight is coming down steadily, but in the right way, slow and steady. I also know that I will never ever a a size 8 or even really a 10, because my ideal body weight with my height and build says that a 12-14 is healthy. 

I have no idea what the future will bring, but I hope that people will consider their words and the stereotyping that happens to big women through them. I spent 33 of my 36 years suffering from obesity, but the other 3 I lost to drugs. I believe that for the first time in my life, the 37th, will be my best, because I now know that I have hope, and that sometimes things really are not because we have done things badly, but because things in our bodies have gone bad. I still watch my use of "3 letter f-bombs" because some old scars heal slower than others and let's face it.. it just plan sucks, but once again thanks to Sports Illustrated for their good deed towards plus size divas everywhere. We need your love and support to help work on the damage done in other places....  Thanks! ~ Jos

The Peace That Was Meant to Be..

Here were are in the season of Advent.. singing carols, baking cookies, going to church and office parties. We are waiting for the "big day" to get here. I am no fan of consumerism, but I believe that giving heart felt gifts and getting together with neighbors is a very good thing. We need things to look forward. to I also have an affection for cheese balls, and Christmas is a great cheese ball holiday! Christmas is also supposed to be a great holiday for peace, where we proclaim "Let there be peace on earth!"

I have to make a confession.. and I mean a terrible dirty confession. I have not watched the news in months. I just cannot. It is not that I do not care or try to hide form the world's problems. Especially with all of the things happening in the USA right now. I just don't have the ability to take in people hurting people, it makes me sick (this is for real and not just a phrase). I have survived numerous abuses in my life that have left their mark on my soul. When I see people hurting each other, it makes me want to be sick to my stomach. I catch most of my news from Facebook headlines and from friends comments.

Lately I have been thinking about that phrase "Let there be peace on earth!".. I think part of the problem that we have is that we miss the other part.. "the peace that was meant to be".. I do not feel that the world was ever created to be a Utopian society where everyone has the same things and equal amounts of everything for all. There would be no motivation to work or better the world. I do feel though that there should be enough, for all.  It was written that  Jesus mentioned in the scriptures that there would always be poor among us. I believe that it is a "poor" of  many kinds he was referring to.  There is physical poverty,social poverty, poverty of understanding. The list goes on. If there were no challenges in life ministry would sort of be an empty thing, because no real growth would occur.

 The more I have struggled this season and looked to the scriptures for help.. the more the lyrics of the song "the peace that was meant to be!" continue to come forth. The peace of having enough. The peace of protest that does not alienate people. The peace of sharing food with those who have too little or none at all. The peace of giving people the proper tools to take care of themselves, and allow them the dignity that the wealthy of the world has. This is the peace that was meant to be. This peace allows people to be open in worship of their faith to live without fear. This peace allows people to express their love for each other without the confines of gay, straight, sexuality, or gender dividing people. This peace allows equal access to all who deserve work and want to work without the stigma of race, color, or gender stopping them.

The news has become so inflammatory in the USA that for my part of the peace that was meant to be, it means not giving news stations my business. It means that I will try to use multiple news venues to get my information before I act.  It means that I will not knee-jerk react when someone does or says something I do not like. The peace that was meant to be also means that I will take time to listen to people that I disagree with so that I can better understand them, rather that shut them out or try to shove them in a corner. The peace that was meant to be... I hope that my readers will take time to reflect on what that peace means to them and what it was meant to be in their lives. Maybe you will let go of a grudge. Maybe you will take time to speak to a neighbor. Maybe you will not cringe and scream inwardly the next time said neighbor uses the snow thrower at 2:00 am to "beat the clean up rush" in two inches of snow.  Maybe you will take time to meditate in traffic rather than cuss out the guy in front of you who cut around you to get to the intersection just in time for the red. Whatever it is let it be "the peace that was meant to be!"

Merry Christmas... JDC

In the Nick Name of Love.... "Uncle Jerson, Uncle Josie"

Tradução Português na parte fim do artigo.

Pastor Carlos Carvalho and I Just after my "adoption" in  July 2012

Being a missionary is very hard. I spend a lot of time away from my home and family in the USA, and even more time away from my family in Brasil. It makes me wonder with the heartaches that are felt away why God chose me to do this work. Every time I spend time with my brothers and sisters in the church (locally and globally) I am reminded why. We are a people who need a connection. We are a people who need love and attention. Life in the church provides that, as well as a relationship with God. We experience God's love through each other. Sometimes His prophetic words are given to us through those who serve him. I would like you to meet my "Uncle Jerson" who in turn calls me "Uncle Josie".. it was a funny mistake that stuck as a nick name. It is funny how a nickname can sometimes bring about a friendship with someone and friendships can bring nicknames.. 

To My Uncle Jerson with Love

I wondered a moment what kind of nickname God would have.. then I realized we have given Him many.. the "Almighty God" "Alpha and Omega" "Savior" "Shepard" and "Father..."

I love it that in Brazil when we pray because we use the word " Daddy" I know that for some people this might seem strange and to others almost too intimate of a word to use when talking to God..... but I have discovered that God is a very personal God. Sometimes because we struggle to sense Him in the moment with us, we imagine that God is in the future waiting for us to find him in a time and place far away because the scriptures keep talking about the second coming. (The largeness of the Universe also doesn't help, because we often point to heaven as being "up there and out there")  Sometimes we think God is just in the past.. because we find the testimonies that others have shared in the Bible, and often we cannot always identify with God's personal nature through them because many of them were written for a different audience. Some churches even teach that God was done with his people, wanting them no more... For some people it is difficult to imagine that God had relationships with more than just the prophets because the stories of everyday people were not recorded. I have discovered though that God is a God of the moment.. or better said "a God of the present time for all people". This moment. The now. God is with us in ways that we can never imagine. 

Some of the most powerful connections that I have had with God were prophetic moments. These were times where God had a message for someone that needed to hear that God still loves and cares for them. Often times these are people that I don't know very much about. One of the most profound experiences I have had was with my dear friend Jerson. Over several weeks I saw angels with him and had visions of people from his past, over the internet streaming live while I was in the USA. I told him about what I saw when I went back to Brazil.. . I felt like a crazy person when I had to explain what was happening in these visions (in my second language, which I did not speak very well at the time)....... Jerson though, did not think I was crazy and he knew what I was talking about, for the most part. God was trying to get Jerson's attention. I was the only way to get it. When someone who you don't know very well, tells you things that no one else knows... it gets your attention fast. Jerson needed to know that God loves him, and that He was with Jerson through everything he struggled with in life and would be with him in the future.  Most important was the message God was a close as his own breath all the time.

I started calling Jerson "Uncle Jerson" on my second trip to Brazil. His brother Carlos and I work together in Sao Paulo. Carlos is the Pastor of Poa and I am his adviser and counselor. I call Carlos "Dad" and have been adopted by the whole Carvalho family.  Calling Jerson "Uncle" is a great privilege for me and for him I believe something of an honor. That nickname tells him he is loved. I send him letters almost every week through Facebook and try to call him on the phone every Tuesday. I enjoy talking to him about the weather and the things that are happening in his life. I think about the first few times that I spoke to Jerson about God and how scared I was of making mistakes and using bad Portuguese.

Jers understands me very well now. We speak a mixture of mostly Portuguese and little English and Spanish sprinkled in.... but my message is often the same. "God loves you, you are special, you are a blessing to others".. I know that sometimes life is busy and that we have too many things to do, but we need to make time to share God's message with people in special ways.. even if it is through those silly one or two word phrases called nicknames... Even people who know God very well need this. Jerson is no stranger to God. He is a very active member of our church. He participates in worship twice weekly, but Jerson like myself, is a human. We need to be reminded constantly of the relationship that we have with God and that others in the world love us, just as we are. My portuguese will never be perfect and Jerson's english the same, but we both understand Gods presence in us through the "nick name" of love. God bless you always Uncle Jerson..... from Uncle Josie

PORTUGUESE - (google)

Ser missionário é muito difícil. Eu passo muito tempo longe da minha casa e da família nos EUA, e ainda mais tempo longe da minha família no Brasil. Isso me faz pensar com as dores da alma que se fazem sentir afastado por que Deus me escolheu para fazer este trabalho. Toda vez que eu passar o tempo com meus irmãos e irmãs na igreja (local e global) Lembro-me porquê. Somos um povo que precisam de uma conexão. Somos um povo que precisam de amor e atenção. A vida na igreja prevê que, assim como um relacionamento com Deus. Nós experimentamos o amor de Deus através de um ao outro. Às vezes, suas palavras proféticas são dadas a nós por aqueles que o servem. Gostaria que você conhecesse o meu "Uncle Jerson" que por sua vez me chama de "Uncle Josie" .. foi um erro engraçado que preso como um apelido. É engraçado como um apelido pode às vezes levar a uma amizade com alguém e amizades podem trazer apelidos ..

Para Meu Uncle Jerson Com Amor

Perguntei-me um momento que tipo de apelido Deus teria .. então eu percebi que demos-Lhe muitos .. o "Deus Todo-Poderoso" "Alpha e Omega" "Salvador" "Shepard" e "Pai ..."
Eu amo-o que, no Brasil, quando oramos porque nós usamos a palavra "Pai" Eu sei que para algumas pessoas isso pode parecer estranho .... mas eu descobri que Deus é um Deus muito pessoal. Às vezes porque lutamos para senti-Lo no momento com a gente, nós imaginamos que Deus é, no futuro, esperando por nós para encontrá-lo em um tempo e lugar distante. (A grandeza do Universo também não ajuda, porque muitas vezes apontam para o céu como sendo "lá em cima e lá fora") Às vezes pensamos que Deus é justo no passado .. porque encontramos os testemunhos que os outros têm compartilhado na Bíblia, e muitas vezes nem sempre podemos identificar com a natureza pessoal de Deus através deles, porque muitos deles foram escritos para um público diferente. Algumas igrejas ensinam que Deus mesmo foi feito com o seu povo, querendo que eles não mais ... Para algumas pessoas, é difícil imaginar que Deus teve relacionamentos com mais do que apenas os profetas, porque as histórias de pessoas comuns não foram registrados. Eu descobri que esse Deus é um Deus do momento .. ou melhor, "um Deus do tempo presente para todas as pessoas". Esse momento. O agora. Deus está conosco de uma maneira que nunca podemos imaginar.


Algumas das conexões mais poderosas que eu tive com Deus foram momentos proféticos. Eram tempos em que Deus tinha uma mensagem para alguém que precisava ouvir que Deus ainda o ama e se importa com eles. Muitas vezes estas são as pessoas que eu não sei muito sobre. Uma das experiências mais profundas que tive foi com o meu querido amigo Jerson. Ao longo de várias semanas, vi anjos com ele e tinha visões de pessoas de seu passado, sobre o streaming de internet ao vivo, enquanto eu estava nos EUA. Eu disse a ele sobre o que eu vi quando eu voltei para o Brasil ... Senti-me como uma pessoa louca quando eu tive que explicar o que estava acontecendo nessas visões (na minha segunda língua, que eu não falava muito bem na época) ....... Jerson porém, não achava que eu era louco e ele sabia o que eu estava falando, em sua maior parte. Deus estava tentando chamar a atenção de Jerson. Eu era a única maneira de obtê-lo. Quando alguém que você não conhece muito bem, diz-lhe coisas que ninguém mais sabe ... ele recebe sua atenção rápida. Jerson precisava saber que Deus o ama, e que Ele estava com Jerson através de tudo o que ele lutou com a vida e estaria com ele no futuro. O mais importante era a mensagem de Deus foi um fim como sua própria respiração o tempo todo.

Comecei a chamar Jerson "Uncle Jerson" por que fui adotados por toda a família Carvalho. Chamando Jerson "tio" é um grande privilégio para mim e para ele eu acredito que algo de uma honra. Esse apelido lhe diz que ele é amado. Eu enviar-lhe cartas quase todas as semanas através do Facebook e tentar chamá-lo ao telefone toda terça-feira. Gosto de conversar com ele sobre o tempo e as coisas que estão acontecendo em sua vida. Eu penso sobre as primeiras vezes que eu falei para Jerson sobre Deus e como eu estava com medo de cometer erros e usando mau Português.

Jers me entende muito bem agora. Falamos de uma mistura de Inglês principalmente Português e pouco e espanhol polvilhado em .... mas minha mensagem é muitas vezes o mesmo. "Deus ama você, você é especial, você é uma bênção para os outros" .. Eu sei que às vezes a vida está ocupado e que temos muitas coisas para fazer, mas precisamos dar tempo para compartilhar a mensagem de Deus com as pessoas de maneiras especiais .. mesmo que seja através desses bobos uma ou duas palavras frases chamados nicknames ... mesmo as pessoas que conhecem a Deus muito bem precisa disso. Jerson não é estranho a Deus. Ele é um membro muito ativo da nossa igreja. Ele participa de culto duas vezes por semana, mas Jerson como eu, é um ser humano. Nós precisamos ser lembrados constantemente da relação que temos com Deus e que outros no mundo nos amam, assim como nós somos. Meu português nunca será perfeito e Jerson de Inglês o mesmo, mas nós dois entendemos a presença de Deus em nós através do "apelido" do amor. Deus o abençoe sempre Uncle Jerson ..... do Uncle Josie