Everyone Passes Gas, and Other Stuff We Learn in Marriage that Really Matters...

15 Year Survival Guide

Many of my readers know that recently I celebrated 15 years of marriage. In a world where more than fifty percent of marriages "buy the farm" (some in less than 6 months) it is not something we hear these days from people my age. I'd be full of it if I said "we never fight" or that every day is perfect, but it has been the best 15 years I have ever had. That kinda perfection junk is for Disney and my husband and I find it to be more frightening that the reality of disagreeing and making mistakes. Here is what we learned to survive... 

Tell the truth early on.....

Lima beans, Carrot cake with raisins and too much junk extra, Cucumbers.. Things that my husband hates.... he told me up front to ease his personal pain.. I should have done the same

First off being honest about stuff can be painful especially early on in a relationship, but I swear it builds character, rather than pretend you like what he likes just spill!! I remember the third date I had with my husband at home. He made me a venison stew. It was a thoughtful homemade meal.. Did I mention that I hate 4 legged woods bound cuisine of any kind and seafood!!! Nope I chickened out... I toughed out the first night's meal with mountain of ketchup and mental prayer. The same effect CANNOT be reached when the left overs are stew or any broth based meal that cannot be drowned in ketchup.. (shudders here).. Just go for honesty!

Stuff you don't really know.. explain it how you understand it!!

 I'd like to mention that knowing car parts is not required for marriage success of any kind.. I know many of them, but the language of "That banging thingy that goes up and down" covers everything from the exhaust, stuff in suspension, and pistons.."... just sayin.. Also plumbing and electrical have their own vocabulary.. and a lot of times "damn it" bridges the gap between the two. I actually am the electrical and plumbing expert in the family. turning jewelry groomed me for wiring light switches and sockets.. who would'a thought?

When Silence Matters Most!

Let's just start with any time you want to say "I told you so". Get rid of that phrase here and now learn to tell yourself "shut up" inside first.. here is why....

When it comes to a Christmas tree that falls over after an hour of decorating (you may have said it needs an anchor wire), and  it catches the carpet on fire, don't laugh.. EVER. At least not until your husband has gone outside to enjoy the finer parts of falling snow and some nerve soothing nicotine. If you stand there and laugh with your brother while the blazes of hell and the carpet smolder in front of you it can cause a little friction.

Also no matter how much you scream or yell, if there are woodchucks, raccoon, or annoying small games in the garden, it is pointless to yell much when your husband just opens the door and shoots them where he stands.  -- side note -- you also don't have to yell about a raccoon that has ran up a telephone pole in the back yard after getting shot with an arrow.. you see if they get caught up on an electrical pole until the carcass falls 6 weeks later, the stink is enough to remind him that might not have been the best idea,. you need to say nothing.

More About What You don't really Know..

Languages.... I speak 4. 2 fluently 2 elementary.. (English, Portuguese, Spanish and French) My husband however speaks hunting,  fishing, mechanics,  and bbq. All of these skill sets are equally important. While I can bbq and cook up a storm (pride point of my husband's that is certain) we have two different methods for those things. In grilling... "I just flipped that" means "leave it alone for us both.. no translations required"..

Learning your spouses language dialect is important also. I speak "Impatient English". I think Lee has it figured out when I sad "Dear, when you have time can you......??" Really means I want you to do this (insert request here) in the next five minutes or so and I am not really worried about what you are doing this second. Not a pretty truth about what happens in my head, but it is what it is..

When the Alone Hand Matters Most is Not Always in a Euchre Game.

"Stay home partner!" is the phrase uses in the game of Euchre to signify that you want to try to make all the points yourself and score extra points if you succeed. Sometimes when Lee works a lot together time is slim to none.. this also includes when I am away on mission projects out of the country or at summer camps.. They tend to run back to back..  I like to to try to make up for lost time on Lee's days off. When Lee says "not really" or "I'm good" as a very slow reply to questions about places I want to drag him, it equals a firm no. "I think not" equals for lack of better words "hell no". This includes going to most baby showers, restaurants that he finds annoying, and also bead stores of any kind.


Last, But Not Least "Passing Gas"--

Everyone does it eventually so running away the first year of marriage to do so is a waste of time. I come from a family with sour insides.. and I am a good German with an affection for sauerkraut so it is a reality. You can be a traditionalist and say "excuse me" or when you are sure the outcome is going to be ugly shouting "Rusty! Bad dog!" is quite acceptable, until your children conceived in love and raised in truth, begin to say "Mom either you or Rusty need to see the vet and get that fixed". We don;t have a dog so the humor here is pretty plain. My husband remains blissfully silent. (see section three title for more info..)...

Happy Fifteen Dear!

Fat ...Not Your Momma's "F" Word

Thoughts From the Inside of a Plus Size Diva

What's Up...

To the national magazine who has decided to use a plus size model for a cover.. thanks from the bottom of my heart. Even if she is really just a normal sized curvy lady.. she is more realistic than models that only get to eat 4 days a week and have often starved themselves or have suffered other things just to be on the cover.... 

I have been a plus size diva my whole life.. even when I was "skinny".. I needed size 14-16 women's jeans. I think that for some people it is hard to imagine what weight issues can do to someone.. so I wanted to tell you a little bit about the "f" word and what it is like to be called "fat'.. and why people who are not plus size in truth should not use the word to complain about themselves to others because you could be really hurting someone. Also want to share what I discovered last year that has left me feeling hopeful..

Born Big Boned??

I grew up in a family with a few other plus size members, but most of my family were fairly healthy average size people. Out of four kids I stuck out like a sore thumb and sometimes felt bad for my siblings when they had to claim me in their group. I can remember people telling my mother that "I was big boned, and did she have me to the doctors for it?"  I wondered if it was something serious, I worried for days about it until I finally got the courage to ask my sister who told me I would not die from big bones...... My older sister was smaller than I, and it was difficult to know that her clothes were always smaller than mine, and that a lot of times things that I liked that she wore, would never fit me. I never could borrow anything from her...  My older sister was never cruel to me about my weight. She tried hard to help me find clothes that would look nice to keep me from being teased, but it was hard to find them and I often had to wear boys and men's clothing as child because there were not "husky" sizes for girls and my mom had to quit sewing for me when she had gone to work full time. I also had a great selection of matronly clothing from women who were aghast that I wore boys clothing to school. The only thing in my life at that time that was worse than the boys clothing, being dressed like an old woman.... in the 4th grade...... A kind woman named Ursi, the mom of two of my class mates, made some stuffed animals for me, a pink dragon, a turtle.... she made them by hand.. she had no idea that at times in my life, they were all that I had to cling too.. in her eyes I was someone...

 Just going to school was very painful, kids can be very cruel. I was hit, bit, slapped, kicked and choked on the school bus, because I was fat. What was worse were  adults who knew better, could be more so cruel than children at times. Ignoring the taunts I endured or saying things themselves.. I remember one time that I was at a breakfast at the church in Juniata and a man I knew asked me "do you like sausage?.". I answered truthfully "yes". He smiled and said that he knew I did because "I was a little piggy". I wanted to run away scream, cry anything just to get away from him.  I wanted to stick my fork in his leg and let him see what it felt like to be hurt by someone. I was only 7 years old. I actually did not let go of that hurt until I saw him as a frail old man at his own brother's funeral..  

Teacher's Pet

I can list about 50 synonyms for "fat" probably more than most kids I went to school with.. I heard them all through out school... it was a peer study group activity, I studied daily with one kid or another. Synonym for fat.. hummm "tubby, chubby, tub o'lard, fatty, Stay Puft, girnormus" How am I I doing here? During gym I was  always chosen last for teams, unless it was dodge ball day, because then I was a fabulous human shield for girls who did not want to get drilled in the face during gym class with a rubber ball. (remember the heavy rubber ones circa 1970?). I was always picked first for dodge ball and for tug of war..   I endured the teasing from kids that were popular in Junior and Senior High, telling me one kid or another liked me (usually one of the jocks). I never fell for it because I had enough training in elementary boot camp to know that no one in the school was interested in dating me.. being fat does not make one stupid, EVER.. but many people think so. Many of my teachers tried to help me keep my chin up and cope with the bullies but it was not easy. this kind of teasing just wears you out. Often though, when the teachers protected me, kids just lashed out harder out of ear shot. Still though to Pat Middlin, Judy Gander, Ann Anklam, Kelly Hengy, and Bonnie Butts, Diane Hackett, I love you, forever, nuff said. 

As I grew older people tried to veil their rude comments a little about my weight. Even try to make them a compliment.. "that shirt looks good on a big girl like you: "thanks, lucky for your behind that you can out run me".. People would say things like "she has such a pretty face......" (yep I get it, the rest is junk).. or "her mother needs to give her less dessert." as if I was too stupid to comprehend in my brain ( in conjunction with the amount of fat on my body) to know that my face was the only normal sized thing on my body. Sometimes people would tell me at gatherings of sorts that I didn't need any dessert. really helpful thanks.. . I am sure not one person there needed dessert either, because we all know that it is super healthy for everyone. (yep that is sarcasm)

Stupid Questions

Many people for a long time even into my adulthood have asked me if I have ever tried to diet.?? Humm have I EVER tried??  The first one I failed was when I was in the second grade. I lost 8 lbs, then started on a  growth spurt and my progress went down the toilet, with myself esteem. Then 4th grade, 5th grade and junior high... When I was sophomore in high school I started on blood pressure meds and I hated it that I had to take what I thought of as "old people meds" at that age, and a no salt diet.  I also had beginning stages of  deep depression, although I didn't know that was it. Depression fuels obesity, obesity makes you depressed. Yep we have an infinity symbol thingy happening right here...  It is one very vicious cycle.The only saving grace in high school I had, was that some what stylish plus size clothing was starting to take root at main stream stores. My senior year I did not have to wear all men's jeans for the first time.. I even owned a casual wear dress that year, but I still just wanted to be and dress like other people. I don't even know why I wanted to be like people who took such great joy at hurting me.

The BAD FAD Diet...

After I graduated and moved out I started to loose some weight, but it was because I was eating too little and I knew it. I ate a lot of toast and coffee for meals. (started smoking too) I tried to exercise and I worked three jobs sometimes to try to stay busy, but finally I got into taking  speed to try to get my weight down.. Went down it did! It also gave me an enlarged left ventricle in my heart to go with it. How nice. More pills, more problems. I now needed a serious blood pressure medication and medication to try to help with my condition that started from the bp meds........  btw when a doctor tells you the words open heart surgery while your preggers, it makes you feel sicker than morning sickness. I was healed of the leaking valve praise God, but I still gotta watch myself..

I got off drugs, met my husband and then I had two kids 10 months a part..... I tried to roll with the punches of baby weight, but I could not get my weight to go back down. I did South Beach, Atkins, and lots of fads.... but they often raised my blood pressure because foods that are "diet" are HIGH in salt and aspartame. The diet coke I was drinking was also making me sicker than I care to admit with the shakes and head aches.....  In all honesty at that point I felt worthless and I felt like hell for 10 years after that. My husband's love and his affection helped me to cope with things, but it was still painful. I developed some coping with humor mechanisms to try to help with it. I often said to him things to try to poke fun at myself "well dear you sorta got the short end of the stick.. because my pre-baby size was false advertisement" he hated that because to him I was beautiful.  The worst one was always "Do my snow pants make me look fat? or does my fat make me look fat??" Like I said defense mechanisms..

I tried to exercise and do things to get my weight down for years, I often hurt myself trying to do exercise routines that were long and grueling.. but have you ever seen a 300lbs plus female exercise? It takes courage to put those clothes on.. three words "awkward, rotten, awkward.." It is isn't easy or good to do too much the first time. I gave it up because I could not go to a gym and feel good there and I had back spams more often than not from bad routines.. no one had told me that you build up endurance first or that you can start small and win big in the end.. 

Mirror Mirror

I used to call "fat" the other "f" word. I hated to hear thin people stand at a mirror say "I am so fat!" knowing that I would have given anything to be that small. It is really a very hurtful thing to do around people that are obviously bigger than you, and it actually left little desire for me to be friends with people who did that. Just an FYI. most plus size divas really hate this, even if they never say a word to you about it.. why.. because it hurts to say out loud, "you are no where near as big as me"..Most people who read my blog are people who know me and would say that they would never do anything to hurt me, and I believe that, but sometimes it is the times that people indirectly hurt

us because they just have no idea that are being cruel picking at themselves..

The Ugly Truth

Sometimes it is hard to look at old pics where I stick out... This is of my babies from Cameroon and their mom and caregiver...  just before they left for Huston Texas... my love for these girls has kept me from cropping myself out... but you can't use thinify on pics with multiple people... just sayin...

4 years ago I did two years of food journals and counseling with my doc and worked all the time trying to get things in order for a healthier me. I thought bariatric surgery, but I had 4 surgeries a year before and I did not heal well.. He said that I was neither lazy nor eating badly as I had though I was. So I asked him " why then am I this way??" He wasn't sure, but he did blood work. Everything was normal  and he wanted me to consider some different medical approaches.. but he transferred to the hospital before I could work with him further. His replacement said that she would not honor the food journals I did. I think she thought I was lazy or a liar. I burned my journals and stopped caring. For a while I gave up trying to take care of myself. People thought that I was lazy and  stupid because of my size. "Let them think it then!" I thought.... but.... then answers came... 

  While some of my stature is genetic, much of it is caused by a disease that I have called Poly-cystic Ovarian disease. I was diagnosed last year finally..... but a serious unrelated illness delayed the right kind of treatment to get things going. This condition causes a hormone imbalance that can knock you off of your feet. It causes terrible female cycles of bleeding and timing (sometimes only two or three a year total). I never associated that issue with my weight the right way. I thought that these things happened because I was fat, not that these things could make me this way... While some women would think it is a blessing, when your cycles do come infrequently it is not when they last for 20 days or more with a vicious amount of cramps and blood loss from the breaking cysts it is horrible. When you are a traveler this condition  is very diffident to cope with. My first mission to Brazil in the 109 degree heat, it often made me feel faint and too tired to enjoy the work. I also had to explain to pastor Carlos in my broken Portugese that I needed to go to the pharmacy for " bigger girls things" because the flow from that can wipe out a weeks worth of supplies in 2 days. I praise God he is a Dad in his life..  because it was embarrassing  to explain that  the "supplies" at the local grocery store we too small and not adequate...

I finally went to my doctor to discuss the condition the following spring and to think about a hysterectomy, because I wanted to go back to Brazil and serve God without the health issues... but she had some other things to talk to me about first. She had a good idea of what my condition was because she had seen it many times before and that surgery did not have to be a first option. Ever hear of poly-cystic ovaries? "This disease makes weight loss almost impossible!"  it was the first thing she said to me... This is because the symptoms mimic diabetes and causes poor insulin use by the body and nutrition from  food is used improperly as well. Many people can take diabetic medications to restore healthy cycles and many loose weight because of the better use of insulin. Others just need a diet tweak to get things back in order. Depending on the severity of the condition some women don't need to do much. Sadly, I could not tolerate the meds. They made me horribly sick. My doctor told me that I could still treat the depression part of things and that I could still loose weight but only if I taught my body to work around its issues. First slowly start weigh training to build a healthy core and to just walk to build endurance for better things. It took me two months..  I also had to walk away from pop because of the sugar spikes and it took me a few weeks.. although I do splurge on Guarana when I am in Brazil. My weight is coming down steadily, but in the right way, slow and steady. I also know that I will never ever a a size 8 or even really a 10, because my ideal body weight with my height and build says that a 12-14 is healthy. 

I have no idea what the future will bring, but I hope that people will consider their words and the stereotyping that happens to big women through them. I spent 33 of my 36 years suffering from obesity, but the other 3 I lost to drugs. I believe that for the first time in my life, the 37th, will be my best, because I now know that I have hope, and that sometimes things really are not because we have done things badly, but because things in our bodies have gone bad. I still watch my use of "3 letter f-bombs" because some old scars heal slower than others and let's face it.. it just plan sucks, but once again thanks to Sports Illustrated for their good deed towards plus size divas everywhere. We need your love and support to help work on the damage done in other places....  Thanks! ~ Jos