Eduring the Process - Behavior Intervention and Healing

For the last year I have been working as a behavioral interventionist in a public school. I am also an ordained minister with more than 25 years of youth worker experience. I often encounter the same questions when dealing with behavior difficulty in children, especially those who have experienced trauma. Here are some answers to commonly asked questions and problems that arise. All names are fictitious.

1, So Johnny has been is in counseling for a month now, why are things not getting better? First of all trauma and abuse can occur over a long time or a short period, but recovery can take years. Depending on the needs of the child, there may be various facets of recovery. Emotional, mental and physical abuse can take multiple forms of therapy and counseling to work through. Children also require time to rebuild relationships and trust. As single trauma can invoke years of suffering. They will often continue to act out until they are sure that they can trust those people who are trying to help them. Sometimes things have to get worse until they are better because children will test the depths of the relationships they have. Holding routines to establish good behavior patterns can be a shock and also upsetting for kids who are not used to boundaries, they will fight back, but the end result is worth the initial struggle.

2. How long we have to have this fight? Consistency is important. People often cave when it comes to behavior plans because they are exhausted and even traumatized themselves to some degree when their child is suffering. It is important to build a network of support and get counseling for yourself when you are involved in the long term recovery of a child. When kids have figured out how to push an adult into getting their own way they will use it! Protective measure in their instincts will cause them to push back. It hinders the recovery process because they haven't learned to deal with the problem, just redirect their frustration on to you.. Many of our school aged children will want to try to be in control of their environment as a self defense mechainism. The ways that they go about it can be very stressful for parents and teachers alike. When they break the rules some students for example will give un accountable answers in response to questions such as "why did you do that?" or "how do you think Freddy feels after you slapped him?" with  "I don't know" or "so" and they repeat them over and over until the adult does whatever it takes to get the adult to stop asking them about the problem. It also serves to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.. Staying consistent lets the child know that you are holding them accountable, no matter how hard they push back, but at times they will act out with escalated behaviors until they realize the plans will not change to their personal preferences.

3. Each child is as unique as a finger print. No two plans of action are exactly alike, even if the child has endured the same situation as a sibling. There are many factors which can dictate behavior plans and recovery. Again patience is a huge part of getting through trauma and behavior issues, get support! Remember that your children need to feel equally cared for and important in the process of recovery. It is also important to be involved with "low drama" children on the same level as children who are experiencing a high level difficulty. I often hear from children that they feel that another child in the family needs more love than they do. They often feel punished for not having issues. Often times establishing a mandatory outing with personal, positive, one on one time can go a long ways in helping with this kind of situation.

4. Recovery care and healing time are just like any other life investment. Choosing qualified professionals who are best suited to the needs of your child is most important. I am a pastor and a behavioral interventionist, or basically a first responder. My job is to address the immediate, professional licensed therapists should be the long term plan creators, along side parents and the child(ren) in question. This is also true for school counselors, they are a "triage" for your child, but not a long term solution. Children who are in the counselor's office for long periods of time during the school day, miss out on much needed instruction. Also the environment is a factor. The stresses of school can interfere with the child's ability to communicate. Often kids walking down the hallways or school bells, ect, can cause an interrupt to counseling sessions even though the doors are closed.. Also remember that in terms of recovery that takes years, you want to have someone that can be available for years. Counselors at school are only available for the time that your student is enrolled in the particular building and summer vacations are often too long of an interruption of care.

5. Ask the why about the "why". Sometimes we forget that the emotional needs of children go as deeply as our own. We like to answer things with "they are just being kids". Kids just like adults do things as a response to stimulus and situations. If a child is acting out we need to ask "the why". What is driving the behavior a student is displaying? Do they have anxiety? Are they getting enough sleep? Are they eating enough? Many of these situations can be dealt with in a positive manner with parents and school staff working together. It is important though not to use the "whys" as a crutch. Children need to be held accountable for they ways that they act out during the healing process if the behaviors are negative.

6. "The School Hates Me" fallacy. Many people have a knee jerk reaction to schools based on their own upbringing or experiences of others. It is important to build your own relationship with your school's staff. Often times people assume that teachers and administrators are not listening or that your child is not important to them. Some processes take time. In many schools there are 400-700 students in a building. Workers are often doing several tasks at once. Some situations take time to investigate and to make wise administrative choices, It is a rare day that you will find someone who doesn't care about children in a school. The pay, amount of work invested, and education requirements are difficult to live with and you have to love kids to want to do this. You may want to take notes about everything that happens with your children if multiple things happen. This way of you need to talk to the principal you can tell them the times an dates of things your child has told you and also what course of action you have taken previously. Theses things could be calls to the bus garage, the child's teacher, or even counselors or professionals who are aware of something happening at school. Establishing a clear time line of events can help school administrators to work on issues happening. Also remember how you treat school employees can effect how they respond to you. They are human beings. If you shout, swear, or become unreasonable, often the person you are trying to talk to is put into defense mode as a natural human response. Being level headed allows for communication that is productive rather than restricted. Let's face it, it's also very embarrassing when our kids act up. Many people feel like the school is judging them for their child's behavior. Things to remember here:

1. Most children do something that eventually leads them to corrective action, even if it is a just a talk with the teacher. I'm a preacher and my kids acted up at school. Children are little human's who are all still learning. Learning involves making mistakes and consequences. Parents are often defensive out of embarrassment, but really in the schools you don't have to be, everyday something happens that embarrasses adults, but is normal to a child. (Kids pick buggies, let toots, throw stuff, make messes, drop things.. mix that with scissors and glue.. and of course oh my!)
2. procedures determine course of action - if your child has a write up he or she may not be suspended and a student who did the same thing last week might be suspended because they had 2 or 3 write ups already or vice versa. Discipline in school is generally progressive, but also an attempt to hold children accountable for their actions. Where one student is on the behaviors journey is different from the others.  What one child has to do to make relationship repairs with other students and staff may differ from another, it is not about personal preferences for a student. 
3. laws prohibit school workers from telling your what anther child's discipline will be. Many times parents scream at me because I won't say that another child is being suspended or going to detention after an altercation with their child. Sorry  FERPA prevents this from top to bottom. This law also protects your child. also from the pastoral aspect, the law protects your child's confidences, just like yours. We report anything that is a danger to a child's health and safety. Most all schools and church's require their workers to be mandatory reporters. Abuse to children and vulnerable adults gets reported but not things that are confided such as " I was really the one who wrote in marker on my mom's sofa".. sorry mom, the law protects confidence.
   
4. If you have a problem contact the school directly, don't use social media. Its passive aggression and not conducive to getting results. You should also remember that it can backfire if your child has taken part in a serious offense. If your child is engaged in anything that is deemed criminal, posting on social media can offer information to the general public and therefore it is not protected from courtroom proceedings. Also remember that the parents of the accused can press charges if the statements made on social media are defamation of character. 

 Last thoughts, schools really want to propel your child's success. As our student, your child's learning journey reflects upon our skills and hard work. We want your child to succeed. This is something that has to be done as a holistic approach. The school, family, and all involved in your son or daughter's care must be done together. Healing occurs in stages, but often is propelled further along when there is a clear, consistent plan of action for a child in place. There are many outside agencies and services available to families through both the county and state. Please contact your school's principal or social worker if you are in need of extra guidance. 

Weights of Grace and Forgiveness

Working just one day in a school building you will see things that you will never forget. Any given day is a mixed bag of people, experiences, and moments that are will stay with you for a lifetime. Any of these days require grace and a ton of forgiveness. Grace, healing power, and forgiveness are supposed to be freeing agents. They the connection between God and the people He made, they are what keep us bonded to Him. We are called to distribute both as God has, but at times I am not sure that we truly understand how to execute this. A lot of times we don't even want to try. Some people may ask me how could I say that grace is heavy? If it is supposed to set us free how can we feel it so heavily? For me, the weight is involved with my reactions to people in the schools and the things I see and feel. For me, grace is heavy because I have to ask for so much if it. Forgiveness is equally heavy as well as I like to hold on to it. It is never given without some personal cost. Each time we go through the process we have to give something to go through it well. 

There are many situations that take place in schools daily that you think you will only read about.  Kids bully each other. Things just happen as the kids are growing. They are constantly bumping into each other, getting in trouble as they learn to follow rules, those things are in a days' work. There are other things though that one should never see, we see it daily. You will see parents who are willing to bully their children in front of the staff. " I just don't want to deal with you and your bulls#it today!" causing the child to feel like they are a thing, an object of misery in their parent's lives. " If you could just sit still like your sister!" (ha you'll never be as good as she is!") or "You ..............." just fill in the blanks because somethings you can't put down in print. My mind is filled with sadness and anger. I want to lash out and ask them if they are proud of their bullying skills and if they plan to invest in the counseling their child will need to heal from it? I need the grace to overcome my sarcasm and desire to scream at them.

I see other parents daily with students with disabilities that have no desire to help their children break free from what is holding them back. Instead, they teach the child to use their disability like a badge for bad behavior passes or a license to bully staff members. I see other parents that can barely care for themselves. They want to do what is right, yet they have not got the tools to care for themselves, let alone their children. There those who are at times overly proud and refuse to use the services the schools offer and connect with. I want to shout "We're here to help! Why won't you work with us, rather than against?" I have to forgive and recognize my own pride aches at being turned away from the healing process.  Jesus also commanded us to love our enemies, loving them often involves educating and teaching those who resist breaking the cycles of life they have learned the hard way.

I see teachers who are loving and caring people hanging on by a thread because they can't reach some students and others that need their time are blocked from it. I see people who are talented that feel like a failure in spite of their magnificent giftedness because they just can't get through a day in class without major disruptions from students and the hours of testing they have to put up with. This grace is heavy because I have to accept that it is God's own hands that must carry them. I have only two hands and very few real hours to support them. 

My coming to care challenge today is "How do I let go of those weights, without becoming apathetic to the situations?"

"How do I empower others?"

"How do I show others this grace while letting them keep their dignity?"

Last but not least, "How do I go to work each day without wrapping myself in bubble wrap, putting on a plastic helmet, and eating ice cream by the quart in the teachers' lounge while sobbing?" 

Only God knows.

Their Eyes See Everything, Teachers and the Kingdom of God

Jesus said that our children own the kingdom of heaven. I think it is because of what they haven't leaned and the potential that they have to learn everything. What do you do though when you can't teach a child anything because they are suffering? What do you do when the conditions in the classrooms and the lives our young students are so broken down you just hope to get through the day? When you are a teacher or educator you can do anything but look away.  Teachers are servant ministers engaging in a higher calling that we have failed to recognize.

In society, so often it is easier to look away when something makes us uncomfortable. When someone is underdressed, underfed, smelly, sick and neglected in public most people just look away. Teachers see kids like this every day.  They cannot close their eyes to those students who are suffering. Those eyes have been trained to see. Their hearts naturally feel as ministers of our children they feel deeply. How I wish the eyes of others would be opened to the suffering of our children and their caregivers during the school day. Teachers see with the eyes of the Spirit. They see people who long to made whole and accepted. People who have potential and an open book of life before them.

I remember when my kids were old enough to begin washing dishes and laundry. I told my husband, I love them, but I don't want them to be dependent on me for everything so they must learn! I tried to give them every tool I had to create independence for life.  Independence is one thing, neglect is another. I wanted my kids to stand on their own two feet but never ever stand alone.

 Awaken your eyes to the sounds of those around you are vulnerable and have no voice. Do not turn away from those who are crying out to you even though there are no tears left to cry with.
Neglect is 100% an ugly animal that exists in our school children's everyday lives. In just a few days I have seen neglect so obvious that I wonder how my teachers are able to get out of bed each day and uphold the duties of teaching.  Being immersed in pain that been inflicted by uncaring people on their students, how can they teach after seeing so much? Somehow they do, gifted as they are but it comes with a great personal cost.

The student who must learn in order to "be something" is tired, hungry, cold, unbathed, teased because of conditions outside of their control.  They are expected to produce work to show what they know, yet stress and worry leave so little room in their heads for textbook learning. The teacher who must teach in spite of worry, a broken heart, and anger when they have the courage to confront these things, they must still teach. It robs so many of the moments that they needed for positivity. Students who are not neglected suffer because of the difficulty making relationships with the ones who suffer is tough. It is hard to be friends with kids who don't have the tools to be social or conditions that are easy to cope with. Regardless of where you are in the classroom, the teachers see them all.

We need to be ever ready to help our teachers. We need to bring blessings to them.  They are the hands and feet of Jesus during the day as servant ministers of knowledge. If children own the kingdom and teachers are giving them the building blocks for it they should be the highest on our list of who to help.

From Doctrine and Covenants 162:6a. From the earliest days, you have been given a sacred principle that declares the inestimable worth of all persons. Do not forget. 

b. The One who created all humankind grieves at the shameful divisions within the human family. A prophetic people must work tirelessly to tear down walls of separation and to build bridges of understanding. 

c. You hold precious lives in your hands. Be gentle and gracious with one another. A community is no stronger than the weakest within it. Even as the One you follow reached out to those who were rejected and marginalized, so must the community that bears his name. 

School houses are nations in the kingdom of God all of their own that suffer from the human divisions. Prayers are great and appreciated, but breathing bodies that care are needed just as much. Teachers are vessels of blessings that long to be poured out into cups that can overflow. It's just that when all of the energies are based on just getting through everything, the contents become splashed all over. Some cups are filled and others are completely empty. It is a difficult thing to be so full of servant desires with hopes and dreams but to also be immeshed in the forefront of human suffering. It creates sorrow in ways that cannot be expressed.

Teachers, I know that the time is here when you are just hanging on to your sanity. Many of your kids have been neglected and it is the worst feeling in the world to try to teach and heal at the same time. I am no real teacher, just a lady who had enough credits to be a sub. If there is nothing more I can do, I will be a voice, I will stand up for you. I will recognize the powerful ministry that you give.


To our community, it is time for us to put our best foot forward and empower the people that are building our kingdom so diligently. The time is now. Will you join your teachers and help? Will you help build the kingdom in this way? If anything will you hug your teachers and love them? Will you offer support to them as they care for our kids?

Thanking Mr. Marcy

When I started this blog it was because my son was being bullied at school. I was at my witts end and my son was entertaining thoughts of suicide. Meetings with teachers, parents, and social workers were taking place all the time. Strategies were being implemented but none were really having an effect because parents of other children refused to take responsibility for their children and even more important, they refused to make their children take responsibility for their actions. Mr. Marcy was as distraught as I was at my son's suffering and the apathy that other people had displayed in meetings. How could anyone not care that their children were inflicting harm to a student with disabilities? Through the whole process, I remember Mr. Marcy's genuine love and care for not only my son but my entire family.

I remember the sadness in Mr. Marcy's eyes as we determined that my son would be better off being homeschooled the last few months of 6th grade. Now that I am a public school employee, I realize the depth of caring that he had for my son. Genuine love is visible in a principal's face.  There was nothing more to be done. The reality of my son being a danger to himself and others was growing, and a violent outburst after being trapped by three students had finally taken place. I believe Mr. Marcy was genuinely sad when my son walked out the doors for the last time. 

5 months later my son started 7th grade. 13 months later we bought a new home and moved to Mayville schools. Six years passed. We never had the chance to follow up or express in depth our gratitude for all the things that Mr. Marcy tried to do during the last few years our son was at Central. What I never had the chance to say was "Thank you for believing in James, and for loving him enough to try to help".

Life can carry us so many places. Last year my now not so little boy, at six feet five inches, graduated from an alternative ed program. I started subbing in Tuscola County for teachers and my son decided that he wanted to be a substitute paraprofessional. His experiences with learning difficulties and physical difficulties have made him a class "A" parapro. Mr. Marcy now works in our local district. My son and I were working one day when he saw James with a badge and stopped to ask if he was really seeing "his James". There was pride there and a few short hellos before James had to get back to work. I made sure that this time those words didn't get away. I'll say them again here. "Thank you, Mr. Marcy, for all that you have done. Thank you for being genuinely concerned about your students, and for the blessings, you have brought to your students by just being you".

Amen.

Disciples Generous Response, No Roses Musings - FIRST FRUIT or ROTTEN FRUIT?

First Fruit Salad is the combination of time, talents and money used for God. They all matter and are of equal importance.

My faith community has struggled financially the last 10 years. Due to economy and aging membership we have faced some tough decisions. The older I get the more I have come to understand that first fruits giving is an important part of Christian discipline. I lived in relative poverty for much of my youth and for about 13 years after my kids were born. I have chopped wood for heat, lugged water to wash dishes, stood in food lines and been adopted for Christmas many times so that my family could get through. Paying my tithing was what I believe lifted me from poverty. Not just physical poverty, but mental poverty as well.

DARE NOT TO COMPARE!
When I first started giving regularly to the church it was $2.50 cents each week. I wanted to have an amount so that I knew what my goal was because tossing in the left overs each week just didn't feel right to me anymore. This was at time when my husband made about 200.00 each week and we spent 40.00 weekly just in diapers. Gas had also climbed very high at times $3.95 a gallon or more. The economy had also crashed and we were a construction family so we were hit hard first. I wanted to try to give God something more. In truth I felt that my offering was paltry and that I was a bit ashamed of my gift to the church, but I kept at it and kept trying every few months to add something more. I began to notice how my husband and I had many miracles take place, especially when his work was very low. The generosity of the people in our faith community helped us many times to stay on our feet and to feel like we were valued members of the church. Strange refund checks would come to us from utility companies or other things stating we over paid.. always when we were at our lowest. I wanted so badly to be that person though, one who would be able to give without thought to personal cost, with the same kind of heart as the members of my church.. then I learned something.....


NEWS FLASH!!
At some point I decided that I would raise our tithing/offering to ten dollars weekly, 5 for local and 5 for the world church. My husband was working a little more boarding up repossessed homes and the kids getting older. I envisioned that most working people were contributing $30.00 - $50.00 weekly maybe more, because that was what I wanted to give, but I could not. I was so wrong about many things. One day I spoke to a bishop in the church. He told me that he was proud of my husband and I for our giving between hours donated at camps and money. I thought he was just trying to be really kind. Then he told me the facts. The average family paid roughly $24.00 a month in tithing. I have no idea if those numbers are true today, but it hurt my feelings to know that we as a society  have $100.00 a pair, pairs of blue jeans, $50.00 one time nights to the movies, but the church was struggling just to make ends meet. They had to let people go. My husband and I were trying to put in $20.00 of that $24.00 monthly, I wished that I had thousands. For us though that meant at times giving something up. I was also then very sorry that I spent so much time feeling bad, because we were in truth giving sacrificially for us. I should have been doing this with a glad heart, because I had something to share, and could. True capacity is between you and God. No one else. We wake each day with a balance of time, talents, and money. God knows it all because he gave us those things. Capacity is not a measure against others, but what we can do with our own potential.

TOSS OUT YOUR SPOILED FRUITS..
Over the last 5 years, the losses of the church have been much more profound. Many people are being called upon to be volunteers, so that means that they must now compete with "secular work time" to be able to minister later... The seventies for many years were paid appointments, they were the ones who would spend their time bringing people to Christ and helping congregations form relationships with seekers... with having to work a day job now, that lessens the time significantly that people have to make those relationships count. I have to confess that I am rather tired of hearing that it is society's fault. People don't want church or commitment.. that has been the case since the start of time, because humans have never liked discipline, ever. We like to be comfortable and nothing less. People have other things to do, and they often choose those other things that are rotten fruit activities.. This is no new predicament. What is new is the excuses that we generate to remain aloof in our giving and church living, because we know even in our own ears that excuses get old. We let our fears help us make the list as long as possible and we keep adding more to the list as we go along. It is time for us to be sharing our first fruits in everything, and to stop clinging to our "rotten fruit reasons", because we are spoiling the fruit before we even take a moment to give. The church has developed what we feel are the 5 ideals found in the gospel of Luke, that define Christ's plans for us today. Here are some rather direct, but true ways that we can improve our giving in these 5 areas..

 Invitation to Christ, we need to stop being stingy with our words and give it our all. Invitation creates an idea of welcome. Invite often! Telling our story helps people to understand why we love God, and why we bother to maintain a church life.. (psst, I know families are much smaller today, so that does mean you have to kick it up a step, and share more!)

Develop Disciples to Serve. We need to take Temple School, Meads, and Seminary, stop being stingy with all of our personal development time. We also need to begin putting people to work, stop being stingy and prideful with our "positions" in the church, so that they can share in their first fruits of talents.

Abolish Poverty - End Suffering. Money is good, but making relationships with those that you have given to must be key! We cannot help people find a stable path in life by just giving them dollars or food...when their hearts are broken and aching. End suffering is not just a physical thing, it is Spiritual thing as well.

Pursue Peace   - It is time to stop banking on our pride in personal life. To heal and reconcile bad relationships, so that we can be more fully able to practice what we preach. Teaching others peace, is is often impossible when we do not magnify that in our own lives. Holding on to old grudges, prejudice, and hate consume our time and resources of the heart..

Congregations in Mission:
There can be no one path for any congregations, they are all different. We cannot sit around wishing that we were this or that group of people anymore. We need to find things to do together to maintain friendships and to help people find ways to encounter the church beyond worship! The moment we stop doing things together outside of worship, we have closed off our potential to be inclusive to those who might not be able to bring themselves inside the church on a first time basis. Worship is also for one hour each week. There are 167 more to consider. Also a side rant.. We have to do things more than once to make them a success. It takes time to build people into any program. Always.. so quit giving up before you get started...

SO I GAVE YOU A HARD TIME, NOW WHAT??
Over the last few years as my family conditions improved I continued to raise my offerings.. often before any improvements  actually came. We just gave what we had. I have also added international ministry to my list of to do things and each mission costs about $3,000 between airfare and project expenses. I pay for about 1/2 to 3/4 of most of my missions out of my own pocket, this does not include my offering, tithing, or side donations to humanitarian projects. The rest I need I fund raise. Sometimes I do more than one mission in a year. I am not tooting my own horn here, but I am trying to give you the real picture of my testimony. I just bought a home two years ago with my husband, it is scary to think about that being in my life until I am almost 60.. did I mention that I will get my associates degree in a few months.. and student loan payments will be coming. Most people have this stuff gone by age 45.. I will be 45 in 8 years.. but still I want to go to first fruits giving.

I want to go this route because I believe in the future of my church and in the power of God. God never said that it would be easy, but He did say that He would give us what we need, when we are asking for his kingdom. So I am asking God for bushels of fruit to get the people who lead my faith community back to work, and to allow for new individuals the opportunity to know Christ. I am asking God to help me make better use of my time and to help me to be a fearless inviter, so that others will know that my prosperity comes from Him, and that the same kind of future waits for those who want to have this kind of life. So the choice is ours sit out and spoil, or make something of what we have set in front of us while it is fresh and GIVE...

Friendship Frenzy.. Why Social Media has Screwed up the Word "Friend"

My Brazilian brother "Andertwin" and I in Osucro Sao Paulo.

I have read a lot of posts lately on social media about false friendships and people who feel burned by their "friends". The post have not only been from the USA, but from South America as well. They come from areas where people socialize more in groups that live a middle class lifestyle, and have more opportunity to "hang out", than those who must work all of the time, or have no access to socialization as a free time filler.

 I have discovered in my own walk that real friends are not always people that we see everyday and talk to.. at times those people we think are our "friends" are really more acquaintances than what we realize.We often use the word friend to simply describe people we know.  The emphasis on the word "friend" in society has really been in a way over used in the last ten years. The word friend is over used partially because of modern  lingo birthed from social media. This word abuse came because society has put a lot of pressure on people to acquire as many person to person links as possible in the cyber world. This in many ways has created a messy kind of status quota with huge numbers of friends. It is a requirement that demands that you have a ton of "friends" on your list so that everyone else will want to be your friend too, and that people you really like will see that you have tons of people who "like" you too.

I should also mention along the way that there is a sense of duty that as long as we are all friends we have to take seriously everything our friends have plastered on social media and maintain a relationship with them because we are friends. How many of you have been reamed out for missing an FB invite or Tweet?. What about getting in trouble for not liking something that you find offensive?? We post, tweet, pin, and whatever else we belong to, so that our "friends" will know what we like. Real friends in my opinion don't want to know every aspect of my life like this, so that we CAN be friends. I say this because real friends want to know more than just what is on the surface... and social media likes is often only a surface. Real friends pick up the phone and call you, or message you in a chat where you are actually replying so that there are two warm bodies in certain communication.. sometimes today people still talk face to face.

Real friends are the people that you can go without seeing for  a long time, but you know that they are thinking of you. They feel your absence in their heart when you are gone, but work hard to make whatever time you have together count. Even if that time is a phone call from another country. Real friends are people who you argue your beliefs with, but don't have to change your point of view to remain in their good graces. In my faith community we call this faithful disagreement. It is a requirement in friendships that last. Real friends hurt when you are hurting, they do not revel in your suffering. Real friends tell you to your face when your are dressed badly, but still walk out to dinner with you hair not brushed and shoes half tied.

If your "friend" kicks you to the curb because you spilled coffee on them,  or missed a phone call, chances are that friend was not your friend at all.  Same goes for people who get overly rude about political view. Real friends might not like what we think, but understand at least WHY we think as we do. Trivial things do not define real friendships. Loving people through life's biggest challenges and the worst days of their lives, those are real friendships. Real friends call you back to crab you out for missing  a phone call, then crab at themselves because they were mad at you in the first place.

I have many people whom I call my friend in truth. I have some that are my "best friends". Others I love so much that I traded them in as "friends" and have kept them as family, because for me that means forever. Those are my tried and true friends who I can count on to pray for me and stand with me when the world would gladly walk away. Real friends do not come boxed in doubts. There is assurance that they love you for you.. and so I urge my young friends, especially those who struggle with the world of friendships right now, to think about the criteria that they use to define friendship. If a friendship comes with condition of liking only what they like. or having to do all of the giving, it is not a friendship. Friendship comes with two parts giving and receiving. Friendship comes with grace and forgiveness. IF these things are missing, I think it is better to feel they are an acquaintance.  Acquaintances are important, but we can cut ourselves a little slack on the daily emotional attachment end of things.

Remember that part of Coming to Care posts are also about caring for ourselves. Don't get caught up in media pressures. Love yourself enough to chose quality over quantity..

Feeling Peace in the Midst of Mayhem

Saying No to Drama and Drain of Constant Connection

The world has become a very hostile place to live these days.. In Brazil a doctor was denied her right to go to the bank because of a metal implant in her arm, it set off alarms, videos were posted. People in major US cities are flying off the handle every chance they get, behaving like the very people they tend to make fun of in other nations on other days. In the east people are suspicious of westerners. Westerners are suspicious of people in the central Americas. Southern Americans (south of the equator Americans) are afraid in their own communities as poverty has created difficult living conditions. No wonder anti-anxiety medications are being dispensed at an all time high..

People use Facebook and Twitter as a political and religious platform outlet, rather than a way too just keep up with each other..in fact sometimes it creates less social interactions and more isolation then intended. There are tons of blanket statement prejudiced pictures with rotten sayings posted daily and people click "like" with out a second thought to what that "cool funny thing" is doing to a human being someplace else.It is indeed a social media mayhem at times.  Of course this kind of media spills over into our homes. Kids believe everything they read on social media.. and well Millennials put everything out on social media they should not.

I have found that at times I can use social media for positive things. Sharing hope, asking for prayers for others.. offering to pray for others. This is my way of working around the negative stuff.. but in truth to find true peace in my heart, I found the only way to find peace was to unplug. I gave up television years ago, I stopped using Linkedin, Twitter, and Pintrest.  I use facebook to stay connected, because it does let me choose what kinds of drama I accept at my front door so to speak. It lets me stay connected with my family and church family around the globe.

(Small Side Rant)
I have never been a fan of drama. I don't let people goad me into losing my temper or into their pity parties when they are just trying to get attention. Over time and lots of reading, I can tell when people are just trying to spark certain emotions. I try not to feed those beasts, because we need to deal with things in the real world, and not in cyber space. I am not saying that people should not say they are having a bad day. I am not saying that people should not express opinions, because they should. What I am saying is that people really need to grow up and stop being so self centered with their posts and reactions to others posts. I really hate it when people post something they know will offend others, then say " I will delete you if you respond negatively".. to me that sounds like a small child throwing a tantrum rather than an adult posting an opinion.. which BTW opinions are subject to debate.

(Back to my point)
Healthy adult relationships are built on give and take between people that are having an argument. They can agree to disagree without having to have one person trump the other. I find I have more peace in my life when I quit trying to prove my side of things to others. I feel that if I am right, then my point will often prove itself, others just have to learn the hard way. Sometimes I am the one who has to learn the hard way.

My former school mate posted a rather wonderful rant about people needing to grow up, especially in political expression. We have the right to show support for our candidates, but not to beat down others for whom they support. We have the right to vote for people who might not do everything right, but still have major views in common with us. We have the right to take sides on issues, but not to cut down a persons being, just because we don't like their political views. A persons worth is not aligned with political stance or beliefs in religion. My faith community holds the belief that all have a worth that no kind of worldly estimation can be placed upon us. It is easier to find peace when we accept that we need to practice holy indifference. This means that I might not like things about someone, but I can still love them as the total package, we are indifferent in our love for them, even if we do not like everything about them.

I know lots of good and loving people who vote differently than I, have different views on immigration and taxes.. but at the end of the day that does not take away from the love that God has given us. I know that people in that day and age a drowning in pain and suffering, much of what is said, they say because they feel that no one is listening to them. The truth is though because it is a social media driven life we live, what is being said is impacting the entire planet into a place of distrust and frenzy, because everyone is listening and watching.

So how do we get to this place of peace? This place where life is less frenzied and more livable? In invite you to actively seek it, rather than wait for it to show up..I invite you to disconnect as you are truly able. Take just one night a week to say good bye to checking your phone every five seconds. Do this especially if you hate your job. Refuse to feed whining and nagging post popularity that help no one. Take time to roll down your windows and sing at the tops of your lungs rather than try to read email on your ipad on the way home from work. I invite you to turn off the tube and get out old family photos, tell your kids about the things you did before television.. isn't it amazing that all of the retro stuff is what is in .. 3-d rubix ubes,, etch-a-sketch, and yo-yo's have made a come back. why?? because people still need things to do that are offline. There are still a lot of things that people can do, if they truly want to find peace in their lives.It can be found if it is wanted more than the crazy overload of "digital social life"  Peace in the Midst of Mayhem is not impossible, it just has to be intentionally accounted for..