What am I Called to Do?

Finding Balance in the Kingdom & Serving in Reality

I am a doer. I like to be busy and I like to feel that I have done one thing each day that made a difference. I do not mean that I went out and moved a mountain, solved a budget crisis, or even managed to sort my junk drawer. I just like to do one thing of some kind daily. I think I get it from my Papa who is 97. He has always managed to fill his time doing something of sorts. Crosswords, wood working, and reading his Bible to name a few. Even at 97 he likes to feed the cats and do small tasks that give him a part in the world. I find now that my kids are getting older, I spend much less time with dishes and laundry, and more time with dusting and doing somethings I always wanted to have more time for like play my instruments and practice piano.  I still cook mostly from scratch and make beaded jewelry that I sell to fund mission trips to Brazil. I do this when I am not taking college classes at Mott, Harvard X, or other X groups that offer free Ivy League classes, or serving the church. I study languages and coordinate community programs for families in my area. All of these things mesh in ministry so in someways I volunteer full time with my faith community (I never thought that could be done). I drive people crazy with my Facebook posts that tend to be lists of things I have done, and being a multi-tasker at heart they seem large to people who read them. For me it is just everyday.

I used put a lot of emphasis on tasks getting done daily but I have learned that I needed to stop trying to be so driven to "chores tasking". College did that to me. I have missed priesthood meetings, prayer meetings, and Temple School classes. College did that too, because I take classes at night sometimes and can't be everywhere at once so trying to be the ultimate church tasker, I had to let that go in my life a bit too. I learned at camp that when you hit 30 you cannot be a camp super woman forever, when you work in the kitchen. I could not take classes, preach, and cook in the same week. It kills your mood and makes you deathly tired. I try to have a focus each camp that I attend depending on the "hat that I wear" at that camp. I now have more personal relationships with many people that I never really knew beyond their names, because I had time to talk to people. 

I have missed college classes to go to funerals, doctors appointments, and because of snow.. I have also missed classes to go to Brazil and to cook for retreats at camp occasionally. I have given up church camps to be in Brazil. I have also given up time in Brazil, because I have to be here. College is important. Ministry is my life. Cooking and cleaning brings me a weird joy. (My sisters would say I have a touch of mental illness) How do I decide where I supposed to be, and when? The first thing I did was I decided that my Lord always comes first. While some people say that is not healthy, my family should come first, by serving God that means my families needs are always on the front burner, and I consider God's place in our family as I take care of them. There is no competition between God and my family, because they are interconnected. I also have a very competent husband who makes this an easy thing to accomplish. His support allows me to be in other places physically because he is a very good parent. Just because we have emergencies does not mean that I have to handle them personally. My husband makes good decisions, and would tell me if I needed to be at home. Instead we handling things over the phone and do pretty much the same as if I cam home.

When I first accepted the call to serve in Brazil, I only assumed that it would be a few weeks each fall. I never imagined it would be a nearly full time task. I often spend 2-3 hours a day working with the brothers and sisters there over Facebook counseling and praying. Sometimes I write and post prayers and sermons in Portuguese. I often wash laundry these days so that I am being "task productive" while my butt is glued to my office chair. I have also learned that my college classes are part of my ministry, it doesn't have to compete with it. Education is key in many ways to reaching the people around you. Every time you learn something, it opens the door to relationship building in another area, two third of kingdom building is understanding someone else. 

I love my beads but find that I am hard pressed to create things when I have classes and other things to do. I no longer try to push my self "just to make". I now day dream about things I want to make when I have time, and I find that I get more made when I am not trying so hard. As for the priesthood meetings, I miss the fellowship and the planning time with those that I serve with, but they keep me up to date and they understand that having kids and going to school makes things tough. It is as they all call it, real life. 

I found that my true happiness came when I learned that everything can be done in conjunction with my spiritual life, and that one thing does not have to trump the other. You can wear many hats at once and find balance with in them all. I don't worry so much about what I am called to do at each moment, instead I take each moment and do what comes next because that is reality. I found that I am a better servant when I can do what comes next well, rather than because it is what I feel I need to do to get a big list done. The pressure is off, and that is a relief. 

Running From "ifs" and "buts"

Searching our Hearts Regarding Suicide...

Yesterday I received terrible news, my friend whom I have loved deeply since the day that he and my son were baptized together, took his own life. My friend was bald and I lovingly called him "Curly", because he was a teaser, and always looking for a way to pick at me. No one else was allowed to call him that, but today I will use that name to help you to get to know my friend. 

Curly was in the US Navy and he was a proud veteran. He had splashes of tattoos on his arms gained from his "younger days of mayhem" as he liked to call them. I didn't really know Curly until he was 65ish and I came to his congregation full time. His daughter was my friend for years before.In his older days he was an accomplished bee keeper and had told me the number of times he was stung was probably about 10,000 or more. He and his wife served as presidents of a local county wide bee association. He was like a bee dad to 100,000 stinging little kids, and he loved it.

Curly also was a fantastic church camp cook, and often cleaned floors after the crew retired because he said that "He trained in the military to mop decks, so he was the professional floor care man". I was the person who had cleaned floors for years before him because I had little kids and wanted to contribute. After a while I joined the cooks crew and did both. One day Curly asked me if I wanted to go church, bed, or something, because I looked like "crap", he always told me this when I had a cold or was coming down with the flu. When Curly took notice, that meant that he cared. He often messed up my hair when I was supposed to preach, and gave me big bear hugs with a towel in his hand as he helped my grandma in the kitchen. He just loved to tease, and in truth I loved being egged into our next argument about nothing. 

We harassed each other for years because he bought a box of junky frying pans I sold to him at a brown bag auction for a large sum of money. For years I would buy Curly junk at yard sales and wrap them in big beautiful boxes, and find away to get them to him at Christmas. Curly was a hard worker, and spent a lot of time working in the church, I think he had washed a few thousand dishes, and vacuumed miles of church carpet. 

Now that you know Curly, I need to come to my topic about running from the "ifs and buts".. Suicide tears people in to many peaces. We always wonder what we could have said or done differently when it happens. Sometimes we take the blame into our hearts or look to blame someone else.. and it always starts with "ifs and buts". I would have helped someone, but I didn't know, I would have told someone, but I didn't see it. The ugly truth is that for many people we don't really have any idea because not all people that commit suicide suffer from long term depression. Sometimes the shock of losing a job or getting a medical diagnosis can put those thoughts in to the minds of our loved ones in a single moment. 

Suicide has reared its ugly head in my own family, my maternal grandfather, some cousins, and my dear classmate at school. I was nearly 10 years in recovery with his death, because I learned about certain signs, and he had given me 1 big one I missed. I spent hours having dreams, nightmares really thinking of all the ways that I would have done things differently. It went like this in my mind, " If I would have known the signs, I would not have yelled at him for saying what he said to me, but I didn't so it is my fault". I was 17, helping my dad raise my siblings, and not a trained professional. My friend often said in complaining "I am going to kill myself", it was a bad day every day for a while with him. I had one bad day that I can play back in my mind. I had 4 deep surgical extractions from my jaw a week before and had dry socket in three places. My home was cold because it had been hit by a storm and only partial repairs could be made before winter hit and I did not sleep good. That day instead of "I am going to kill myself" he said "I am going to go home, and hang myself in the garage". I can't tell you what I said to him. The words still burn in my mind, and that is enough for me. I no longer wonder though about all of this, after recovery from drug and alcohol dependency developed from that day forth, I gained some knowledge from being a person of faith that allowed me to heal.

10 Years ago I might have tried to "if and but" myself over this situation with Curly, although my heart is broken and aching, at 35, I know that when people come to the place where they feel that their life is no longer worth living, something deep and painful has occurred that healthy people cannot grip. This is something that Christians especially struggle with, We say "God loved them so much, how could they knowing he is there?" Others take a stance that God said not to kill, and that suicide is a sin. The last one makes me shudder.. The first explains more than anything part of the problem. Human beings have to understand that when the mind disconnects with rational thought, things happen that we cannot try to reason out. Christians who are hurting that are able to think rationally, often turn to God for strength when they feel that they cannot depend on other people. They turn to God when they fear the road ahead through illness, imprisonment, and a host of life's terrible sufferings. People who don't know God in a personal sense often turn to their friends and family as a source of comfort.

I believe when a person reaches this deep state of fear or trauma, and they disconnect, they are hurting so deeply that they cannot rationally cling to hope anymore of any kind. They cannot cling to God because they are just not able to. When that happens, it is a sickness of "the body", and not something someone can judge as they might a person in good mental health. "Ifs and buts" solve nothing at this point, because we are trying to draw rational conclusions for an irrational situation developed in the sufferers mind, and can never find comfort. I believe that the way to healing to instead is to confront the loss, admit that we are confused, angry, helpless, and that we cannot fix what has already been done. I believe that in those moments God weeps with us as we release the anger and the pain of going through this process, and I believe that He is with those people in this condition, because one that He loves so deeply cannot feel him calling out to them. How can God be angry with someone who is not truly present in thoughts and actions in a rational way? I just don't feel that He is. 

While suicide seems to be completely preventable, we need to remember that the only certain thing on earth is that people can be unpredictable. My sociology professor has said this many times, because my class is so young this term, and I think she is doing them a favor by reminding them. While we want to think that we can eradicate this terrible kind of event, we would have to engineer the perceptions of people in every  human mind to receive God's love or at least a healthy state of mind. That would make us something akin to robots, and it would require a Utopian state where people's minds would never be tested beyond the skills of their ability to cope. Mother Earth would have to get in on things and make it about 70 and sunny every day, everywhere. I know it seems as if I am taking a downward approach to this situation, but please read on. What I want to offer is that I am a realist, and I can find God in the midst of our pain and struggle. When we offer support, prayers, and our unconditional love to others in life he is able to work with us freely. In death God is still working with His people, we just have not experienced that yet. In my experience, the people who helped me kick drugs, alcohol, and nicotine are life long friends. They are the bread and butter of my deepest Spiritual experiences because I have felt God's love for me working through them. 

I have changed my thoughts from "ifs and buts" to "ifs and such". It goes like this "If I suffer anything difficult, if I lose anything wonderful, if my heart is broken, my body battered and soul bruised, such is the love of God, that I am not alone through it. Such is God's grace that we will always be learning, coping, and growing in our relationship with Him, because of all that has been done this far. It takes a long time to get here, and I think a lot of heart searching. I will miss Curly this summer when no one puts soapy hands on my neck in the kitchen. I will miss him when I have to carry heavy pans or wash potatoes all by myself... but then maybe, just maybe God will also send someone else that can help me. Someone I can tell about Curly and the day that he entered into the waters of baptism with my son. While I won't know what will be until I get there. such is the love of God that he will be with me when it happens.