Eduring the Process - Behavior Intervention and Healing

For the last year I have been working as a behavioral interventionist in a public school. I am also an ordained minister with more than 25 years of youth worker experience. I often encounter the same questions when dealing with behavior difficulty in children, especially those who have experienced trauma. Here are some answers to commonly asked questions and problems that arise. All names are fictitious.

1, So Johnny has been is in counseling for a month now, why are things not getting better? First of all trauma and abuse can occur over a long time or a short period, but recovery can take years. Depending on the needs of the child, there may be various facets of recovery. Emotional, mental and physical abuse can take multiple forms of therapy and counseling to work through. Children also require time to rebuild relationships and trust. As single trauma can invoke years of suffering. They will often continue to act out until they are sure that they can trust those people who are trying to help them. Sometimes things have to get worse until they are better because children will test the depths of the relationships they have. Holding routines to establish good behavior patterns can be a shock and also upsetting for kids who are not used to boundaries, they will fight back, but the end result is worth the initial struggle.

2. How long we have to have this fight? Consistency is important. People often cave when it comes to behavior plans because they are exhausted and even traumatized themselves to some degree when their child is suffering. It is important to build a network of support and get counseling for yourself when you are involved in the long term recovery of a child. When kids have figured out how to push an adult into getting their own way they will use it! Protective measure in their instincts will cause them to push back. It hinders the recovery process because they haven't learned to deal with the problem, just redirect their frustration on to you.. Many of our school aged children will want to try to be in control of their environment as a self defense mechainism. The ways that they go about it can be very stressful for parents and teachers alike. When they break the rules some students for example will give un accountable answers in response to questions such as "why did you do that?" or "how do you think Freddy feels after you slapped him?" with  "I don't know" or "so" and they repeat them over and over until the adult does whatever it takes to get the adult to stop asking them about the problem. It also serves to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.. Staying consistent lets the child know that you are holding them accountable, no matter how hard they push back, but at times they will act out with escalated behaviors until they realize the plans will not change to their personal preferences.

3. Each child is as unique as a finger print. No two plans of action are exactly alike, even if the child has endured the same situation as a sibling. There are many factors which can dictate behavior plans and recovery. Again patience is a huge part of getting through trauma and behavior issues, get support! Remember that your children need to feel equally cared for and important in the process of recovery. It is also important to be involved with "low drama" children on the same level as children who are experiencing a high level difficulty. I often hear from children that they feel that another child in the family needs more love than they do. They often feel punished for not having issues. Often times establishing a mandatory outing with personal, positive, one on one time can go a long ways in helping with this kind of situation.

4. Recovery care and healing time are just like any other life investment. Choosing qualified professionals who are best suited to the needs of your child is most important. I am a pastor and a behavioral interventionist, or basically a first responder. My job is to address the immediate, professional licensed therapists should be the long term plan creators, along side parents and the child(ren) in question. This is also true for school counselors, they are a "triage" for your child, but not a long term solution. Children who are in the counselor's office for long periods of time during the school day, miss out on much needed instruction. Also the environment is a factor. The stresses of school can interfere with the child's ability to communicate. Often kids walking down the hallways or school bells, ect, can cause an interrupt to counseling sessions even though the doors are closed.. Also remember that in terms of recovery that takes years, you want to have someone that can be available for years. Counselors at school are only available for the time that your student is enrolled in the particular building and summer vacations are often too long of an interruption of care.

5. Ask the why about the "why". Sometimes we forget that the emotional needs of children go as deeply as our own. We like to answer things with "they are just being kids". Kids just like adults do things as a response to stimulus and situations. If a child is acting out we need to ask "the why". What is driving the behavior a student is displaying? Do they have anxiety? Are they getting enough sleep? Are they eating enough? Many of these situations can be dealt with in a positive manner with parents and school staff working together. It is important though not to use the "whys" as a crutch. Children need to be held accountable for they ways that they act out during the healing process if the behaviors are negative.

6. "The School Hates Me" fallacy. Many people have a knee jerk reaction to schools based on their own upbringing or experiences of others. It is important to build your own relationship with your school's staff. Often times people assume that teachers and administrators are not listening or that your child is not important to them. Some processes take time. In many schools there are 400-700 students in a building. Workers are often doing several tasks at once. Some situations take time to investigate and to make wise administrative choices, It is a rare day that you will find someone who doesn't care about children in a school. The pay, amount of work invested, and education requirements are difficult to live with and you have to love kids to want to do this. You may want to take notes about everything that happens with your children if multiple things happen. This way of you need to talk to the principal you can tell them the times an dates of things your child has told you and also what course of action you have taken previously. Theses things could be calls to the bus garage, the child's teacher, or even counselors or professionals who are aware of something happening at school. Establishing a clear time line of events can help school administrators to work on issues happening. Also remember how you treat school employees can effect how they respond to you. They are human beings. If you shout, swear, or become unreasonable, often the person you are trying to talk to is put into defense mode as a natural human response. Being level headed allows for communication that is productive rather than restricted. Let's face it, it's also very embarrassing when our kids act up. Many people feel like the school is judging them for their child's behavior. Things to remember here:

1. Most children do something that eventually leads them to corrective action, even if it is a just a talk with the teacher. I'm a preacher and my kids acted up at school. Children are little human's who are all still learning. Learning involves making mistakes and consequences. Parents are often defensive out of embarrassment, but really in the schools you don't have to be, everyday something happens that embarrasses adults, but is normal to a child. (Kids pick buggies, let toots, throw stuff, make messes, drop things.. mix that with scissors and glue.. and of course oh my!)
2. procedures determine course of action - if your child has a write up he or she may not be suspended and a student who did the same thing last week might be suspended because they had 2 or 3 write ups already or vice versa. Discipline in school is generally progressive, but also an attempt to hold children accountable for their actions. Where one student is on the behaviors journey is different from the others.  What one child has to do to make relationship repairs with other students and staff may differ from another, it is not about personal preferences for a student. 
3. laws prohibit school workers from telling your what anther child's discipline will be. Many times parents scream at me because I won't say that another child is being suspended or going to detention after an altercation with their child. Sorry  FERPA prevents this from top to bottom. This law also protects your child. also from the pastoral aspect, the law protects your child's confidences, just like yours. We report anything that is a danger to a child's health and safety. Most all schools and church's require their workers to be mandatory reporters. Abuse to children and vulnerable adults gets reported but not things that are confided such as " I was really the one who wrote in marker on my mom's sofa".. sorry mom, the law protects confidence.
   
4. If you have a problem contact the school directly, don't use social media. Its passive aggression and not conducive to getting results. You should also remember that it can backfire if your child has taken part in a serious offense. If your child is engaged in anything that is deemed criminal, posting on social media can offer information to the general public and therefore it is not protected from courtroom proceedings. Also remember that the parents of the accused can press charges if the statements made on social media are defamation of character. 

 Last thoughts, schools really want to propel your child's success. As our student, your child's learning journey reflects upon our skills and hard work. We want your child to succeed. This is something that has to be done as a holistic approach. The school, family, and all involved in your son or daughter's care must be done together. Healing occurs in stages, but often is propelled further along when there is a clear, consistent plan of action for a child in place. There are many outside agencies and services available to families through both the county and state. Please contact your school's principal or social worker if you are in need of extra guidance.