What's in My Words?

         My kids often ask me to referee the latest debate they may be having. Both are speaking loudly, trying to be heard. While they both assume they are right, and sometimes are both wrong, I have discovered that telling your kids you don't care is a mistake. How often have we been cornered by our squabbling children when we are trying to work? When we feel the case has been made for the situation, and we have said all we want to say, how often do we shout "Okay! I don't care!,"or "Fine whatever!" I have learned that telling your child you don't care is a very bad thing. What it often says to the child is "I don't care about you", even if we don't intend to say it in that context.

          I have learned that the most stress relieving thing for my kids is to acknowledge the issue at hand. One example is the drama at my house over video games. It is the debutante of "empty time" dancing at home. Her card for the next dance is always full. I started to think one day about the length of time my kids spent trying to get through arguments about whose turn it was. After the argument was laid in my lap, I would state what I thought the solution was, put my motherly foot down, and hope my judgement would stand. We know though, that kids often test our judgements. We say "I said this, do as I say, if you don't like it, I don't care!" I don't care often follows the rebuttal to the parental judgement. I have learned to try to omit this from my list of motherly phrases, mostly because it is anything but motherly. I care for my husband and children more than anything in this world. Kids get very stressed out trying to make a point. They expend a lot of energy trying to be heard. I have changed my responses to my kids from "I don't care" to an interested response. Rather than say "I don't care that you don't like that shirt!" to "I know that shirt is not your favorite, but I am telling you to wear it because..." Giving children the reason behind your choices, acknowledges that you are listening to the complaint, even if you are not budging.

          We always tell our kids to call us if they get into trouble. If we want them to believe that we will do anything to care for them,  they have to believe we care. At summer camp I have had many kids ages 11 to 19 cry on my shoulder because they believe from their perspective, that their parent doesn't care. I always try to ask what is said or done that would lead to the kid to feel this way. Sometimes it is simply what gets said incorrectly that leads to this situation. I know that it is the use of the words "I don't care!" in frustration. How would I know? Usually it is because the week before at family camp the parent is my arms crying about the drug problem, abuse, or situation, they want to help their child through. So next time the kids have you pulling out your hair, consider the direction you take with your words, because the last place you want them to be is farther away from you in their thoughts..