Running From "ifs" and "buts"

Searching our Hearts Regarding Suicide...

Yesterday I received terrible news, my friend whom I have loved deeply since the day that he and my son were baptized together, took his own life. My friend was bald and I lovingly called him "Curly", because he was a teaser, and always looking for a way to pick at me. No one else was allowed to call him that, but today I will use that name to help you to get to know my friend. 

Curly was in the US Navy and he was a proud veteran. He had splashes of tattoos on his arms gained from his "younger days of mayhem" as he liked to call them. I didn't really know Curly until he was 65ish and I came to his congregation full time. His daughter was my friend for years before.In his older days he was an accomplished bee keeper and had told me the number of times he was stung was probably about 10,000 or more. He and his wife served as presidents of a local county wide bee association. He was like a bee dad to 100,000 stinging little kids, and he loved it.

Curly also was a fantastic church camp cook, and often cleaned floors after the crew retired because he said that "He trained in the military to mop decks, so he was the professional floor care man". I was the person who had cleaned floors for years before him because I had little kids and wanted to contribute. After a while I joined the cooks crew and did both. One day Curly asked me if I wanted to go church, bed, or something, because I looked like "crap", he always told me this when I had a cold or was coming down with the flu. When Curly took notice, that meant that he cared. He often messed up my hair when I was supposed to preach, and gave me big bear hugs with a towel in his hand as he helped my grandma in the kitchen. He just loved to tease, and in truth I loved being egged into our next argument about nothing. 

We harassed each other for years because he bought a box of junky frying pans I sold to him at a brown bag auction for a large sum of money. For years I would buy Curly junk at yard sales and wrap them in big beautiful boxes, and find away to get them to him at Christmas. Curly was a hard worker, and spent a lot of time working in the church, I think he had washed a few thousand dishes, and vacuumed miles of church carpet. 

Now that you know Curly, I need to come to my topic about running from the "ifs and buts".. Suicide tears people in to many peaces. We always wonder what we could have said or done differently when it happens. Sometimes we take the blame into our hearts or look to blame someone else.. and it always starts with "ifs and buts". I would have helped someone, but I didn't know, I would have told someone, but I didn't see it. The ugly truth is that for many people we don't really have any idea because not all people that commit suicide suffer from long term depression. Sometimes the shock of losing a job or getting a medical diagnosis can put those thoughts in to the minds of our loved ones in a single moment. 

Suicide has reared its ugly head in my own family, my maternal grandfather, some cousins, and my dear classmate at school. I was nearly 10 years in recovery with his death, because I learned about certain signs, and he had given me 1 big one I missed. I spent hours having dreams, nightmares really thinking of all the ways that I would have done things differently. It went like this in my mind, " If I would have known the signs, I would not have yelled at him for saying what he said to me, but I didn't so it is my fault". I was 17, helping my dad raise my siblings, and not a trained professional. My friend often said in complaining "I am going to kill myself", it was a bad day every day for a while with him. I had one bad day that I can play back in my mind. I had 4 deep surgical extractions from my jaw a week before and had dry socket in three places. My home was cold because it had been hit by a storm and only partial repairs could be made before winter hit and I did not sleep good. That day instead of "I am going to kill myself" he said "I am going to go home, and hang myself in the garage". I can't tell you what I said to him. The words still burn in my mind, and that is enough for me. I no longer wonder though about all of this, after recovery from drug and alcohol dependency developed from that day forth, I gained some knowledge from being a person of faith that allowed me to heal.

10 Years ago I might have tried to "if and but" myself over this situation with Curly, although my heart is broken and aching, at 35, I know that when people come to the place where they feel that their life is no longer worth living, something deep and painful has occurred that healthy people cannot grip. This is something that Christians especially struggle with, We say "God loved them so much, how could they knowing he is there?" Others take a stance that God said not to kill, and that suicide is a sin. The last one makes me shudder.. The first explains more than anything part of the problem. Human beings have to understand that when the mind disconnects with rational thought, things happen that we cannot try to reason out. Christians who are hurting that are able to think rationally, often turn to God for strength when they feel that they cannot depend on other people. They turn to God when they fear the road ahead through illness, imprisonment, and a host of life's terrible sufferings. People who don't know God in a personal sense often turn to their friends and family as a source of comfort.

I believe when a person reaches this deep state of fear or trauma, and they disconnect, they are hurting so deeply that they cannot rationally cling to hope anymore of any kind. They cannot cling to God because they are just not able to. When that happens, it is a sickness of "the body", and not something someone can judge as they might a person in good mental health. "Ifs and buts" solve nothing at this point, because we are trying to draw rational conclusions for an irrational situation developed in the sufferers mind, and can never find comfort. I believe that the way to healing to instead is to confront the loss, admit that we are confused, angry, helpless, and that we cannot fix what has already been done. I believe that in those moments God weeps with us as we release the anger and the pain of going through this process, and I believe that He is with those people in this condition, because one that He loves so deeply cannot feel him calling out to them. How can God be angry with someone who is not truly present in thoughts and actions in a rational way? I just don't feel that He is. 

While suicide seems to be completely preventable, we need to remember that the only certain thing on earth is that people can be unpredictable. My sociology professor has said this many times, because my class is so young this term, and I think she is doing them a favor by reminding them. While we want to think that we can eradicate this terrible kind of event, we would have to engineer the perceptions of people in every  human mind to receive God's love or at least a healthy state of mind. That would make us something akin to robots, and it would require a Utopian state where people's minds would never be tested beyond the skills of their ability to cope. Mother Earth would have to get in on things and make it about 70 and sunny every day, everywhere. I know it seems as if I am taking a downward approach to this situation, but please read on. What I want to offer is that I am a realist, and I can find God in the midst of our pain and struggle. When we offer support, prayers, and our unconditional love to others in life he is able to work with us freely. In death God is still working with His people, we just have not experienced that yet. In my experience, the people who helped me kick drugs, alcohol, and nicotine are life long friends. They are the bread and butter of my deepest Spiritual experiences because I have felt God's love for me working through them. 

I have changed my thoughts from "ifs and buts" to "ifs and such". It goes like this "If I suffer anything difficult, if I lose anything wonderful, if my heart is broken, my body battered and soul bruised, such is the love of God, that I am not alone through it. Such is God's grace that we will always be learning, coping, and growing in our relationship with Him, because of all that has been done this far. It takes a long time to get here, and I think a lot of heart searching. I will miss Curly this summer when no one puts soapy hands on my neck in the kitchen. I will miss him when I have to carry heavy pans or wash potatoes all by myself... but then maybe, just maybe God will also send someone else that can help me. Someone I can tell about Curly and the day that he entered into the waters of baptism with my son. While I won't know what will be until I get there. such is the love of God that he will be with me when it happens.