We have been on a journey these last 34 days trying to connect with the Lord. Some call it Lent others call it just Easter time. No matter what it is called this time of preparation, self examination is a powerful road to healing.
Ten Years ago I left the church building I was attending, shaken to the core The young adults group had watched the Passion of the Christ. One of the most painful experiences I have ever endured, because I saw what happened to my Jesus, the one whom I knew was calling me. Sometimes people assume that when a person has become a Christian that it means you are turning either into a pushover of sorts that takes abuse and has no spine, or they assume that you are "holier than thou" as some say, and a stark raving mad lunatic who pushes the "lake of fire" sermon on old ladies who ride buses. I know that is extreme, but I have heard just about everything between since I began to profess my faith 30 years ago. I hear even more as an ordained minister who is active with the poor. Really we are just people who are going through the motions of life and everyone's journey is different. No matter what people say though we have our own faults and we make mistakes. We also have the tendency to judge others and struggle inside, but Jesus knew that about us and the abuse that was suffered by him for us was something I could not fathom until it was set before my eyes.
In my own mind I know that part of what He endured was to set me free from all the rocks that I have carried around my neck. Burdens of personal fault, burdens of stupid things that I have done. Then the things that happened because of my life circumstances. Living in poverty, being an outcast for being over weight, raising my own kids who suffered from the same hateful treatment as I did at school. It hit me like a ton a of bricks that night, that my worst rock..well gigantic boulder, was I still harbored a lot of hate for people I went to school with. I would see them in stores and restaurants and want to scream "and just who the hell are you now??" when they would say hello to me. It was wrong and horrible, because that night made me realize something. This time in my life still owned me, but I never thought about where they were in life either at that time. People only know what they are raised to know. Bullies often have tough relatives that teach them that route and when a child suffers at home, the outlet is the playground at school. The truth behind many school aged children is that life is at times pure hell.
Some of my class mates had parents with ugly divorces that left them damaged, my parents never fought at home, or talked badly about each other when they split. Many were attention starved. There were many kids that were never told that they were loved, or that they looked nice by a parent or sibling. I was blessed that my dad would give compliments when they were due, even if they were very simple. When I would play my flute in church my dad would often say "not bad at all". I did not need to hear anything more because from him it was always with a huge grin. I realized that the kids I went to school with would have killed for my life in some ways, to be praised at something or just loved.
My Dad let me travel alone at 15 and 17 to World Conference. He gave me money and put me on a plane twice, without any hesitation. I went to summer youth camp with my grandma Hazel and week long camps with my dad. My mom took us on weekends to do fun things, we went bowling and had midnight doughnut runs. I did a lot of things that many people did once, if they were lucky.. and the entire time, I knew I was loved by my dad, my aunts and uncles, my mom and grandparents.. I also was loved by people in my faith community.
When the Passion was over we left the church very quietly.. all of us in shock. I thought about Jesus and his suffering and realized that I never really knew what had happened beyond a "story telling" point of view. He suffered the worst.. I decided that it was "for my worst" I needed to get rid of things that stood in the way of my ministry and relationship with God. I was a smoker at the time, but one of the worst things that haunted me were the things that happened to me at school. The things that people said would come back to me and I would feel belittled and small. Other times I would feel angry and think of all the things I could have said and done to teach them a lesson, had I known then what I know now. I would often feel that I was worthless and had nothing to give to God, because it was what I had been told for the 13 years, when I was supposed to be developing a self esteem. I realized that I had given those people power over my relationship with Jesus with a ten thousand pound chip on my shoulder and that I needed to let my anger and my hate go.
Not to long after that, I saw a girl at the store that had been a popular kid at school and a terrible tormentor of mine. I realized that she was very unhappy and that her cart contained items common of people who were living on food stamps that needed to be stretched. She also had a toddler with her. I have been there. I did not look on her in pity, she did not need that. What I did do was say hello without gritting my teeth when she acknowledged me. I asked her of she had stayed in Vassar and what she was doing. She seemed relieved that I was not angry with her. I could sense that she was trying to apologize to me through awkward conversation as we waited in the check out line. She gave me a little wave when she left.
In that moment I realized that I had truly let go of my hate for my former classmates. I no longer felt like I needed to think of ways that I could prove myself better or shrink away in shame from them. I just wanted them to feel what I feel, a great love of God. It was a freeing moment that I had literally waited my whole life for. In 2007 I quit smoking, in March of 2010, I was ordained to the office of priest, a minster for families. It totally changes the way that you think about others and the life that we live. In July of last year, I was ordained to elder, a minister who is responsible for bringing blessings.
In the last few years I have found myself as an adviser to many people whom I never would have spoken too had I not let go of my anger and hate. I find that the challenges that people face can be overcome with sharing Jesus Christ and by taking journeys together. With Lent, Advent, and every day in between we have the power to change our lives and experience the grace and the ability to say goodbye to grudges. If we refuse to let ourselves be trapped by things of the past we have no where to go but forward in blessing.
God bless you. Jos
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