Their Eyes See Everything, Teachers and the Kingdom of God

Jesus said that our children own the kingdom of heaven. I think it is because of what they haven't leaned and the potential that they have to learn everything. What do you do though when you can't teach a child anything because they are suffering? What do you do when the conditions in the classrooms and the lives our young students are so broken down you just hope to get through the day? When you are a teacher or educator you can do anything but look away.  Teachers are servant ministers engaging in a higher calling that we have failed to recognize.

In society, so often it is easier to look away when something makes us uncomfortable. When someone is underdressed, underfed, smelly, sick and neglected in public most people just look away. Teachers see kids like this every day.  They cannot close their eyes to those students who are suffering. Those eyes have been trained to see. Their hearts naturally feel as ministers of our children they feel deeply. How I wish the eyes of others would be opened to the suffering of our children and their caregivers during the school day. Teachers see with the eyes of the Spirit. They see people who long to made whole and accepted. People who have potential and an open book of life before them.

I remember when my kids were old enough to begin washing dishes and laundry. I told my husband, I love them, but I don't want them to be dependent on me for everything so they must learn! I tried to give them every tool I had to create independence for life.  Independence is one thing, neglect is another. I wanted my kids to stand on their own two feet but never ever stand alone.

 Awaken your eyes to the sounds of those around you are vulnerable and have no voice. Do not turn away from those who are crying out to you even though there are no tears left to cry with.
Neglect is 100% an ugly animal that exists in our school children's everyday lives. In just a few days I have seen neglect so obvious that I wonder how my teachers are able to get out of bed each day and uphold the duties of teaching.  Being immersed in pain that been inflicted by uncaring people on their students, how can they teach after seeing so much? Somehow they do, gifted as they are but it comes with a great personal cost.

The student who must learn in order to "be something" is tired, hungry, cold, unbathed, teased because of conditions outside of their control.  They are expected to produce work to show what they know, yet stress and worry leave so little room in their heads for textbook learning. The teacher who must teach in spite of worry, a broken heart, and anger when they have the courage to confront these things, they must still teach. It robs so many of the moments that they needed for positivity. Students who are not neglected suffer because of the difficulty making relationships with the ones who suffer is tough. It is hard to be friends with kids who don't have the tools to be social or conditions that are easy to cope with. Regardless of where you are in the classroom, the teachers see them all.

We need to be ever ready to help our teachers. We need to bring blessings to them.  They are the hands and feet of Jesus during the day as servant ministers of knowledge. If children own the kingdom and teachers are giving them the building blocks for it they should be the highest on our list of who to help.

From Doctrine and Covenants 162:6a. From the earliest days, you have been given a sacred principle that declares the inestimable worth of all persons. Do not forget. 

b. The One who created all humankind grieves at the shameful divisions within the human family. A prophetic people must work tirelessly to tear down walls of separation and to build bridges of understanding. 

c. You hold precious lives in your hands. Be gentle and gracious with one another. A community is no stronger than the weakest within it. Even as the One you follow reached out to those who were rejected and marginalized, so must the community that bears his name. 

School houses are nations in the kingdom of God all of their own that suffer from the human divisions. Prayers are great and appreciated, but breathing bodies that care are needed just as much. Teachers are vessels of blessings that long to be poured out into cups that can overflow. It's just that when all of the energies are based on just getting through everything, the contents become splashed all over. Some cups are filled and others are completely empty. It is a difficult thing to be so full of servant desires with hopes and dreams but to also be immeshed in the forefront of human suffering. It creates sorrow in ways that cannot be expressed.

Teachers, I know that the time is here when you are just hanging on to your sanity. Many of your kids have been neglected and it is the worst feeling in the world to try to teach and heal at the same time. I am no real teacher, just a lady who had enough credits to be a sub. If there is nothing more I can do, I will be a voice, I will stand up for you. I will recognize the powerful ministry that you give.


To our community, it is time for us to put our best foot forward and empower the people that are building our kingdom so diligently. The time is now. Will you join your teachers and help? Will you help build the kingdom in this way? If anything will you hug your teachers and love them? Will you offer support to them as they care for our kids?

Thanking Mr. Marcy

When I started this blog it was because my son was being bullied at school. I was at my witts end and my son was entertaining thoughts of suicide. Meetings with teachers, parents, and social workers were taking place all the time. Strategies were being implemented but none were really having an effect because parents of other children refused to take responsibility for their children and even more important, they refused to make their children take responsibility for their actions. Mr. Marcy was as distraught as I was at my son's suffering and the apathy that other people had displayed in meetings. How could anyone not care that their children were inflicting harm to a student with disabilities? Through the whole process, I remember Mr. Marcy's genuine love and care for not only my son but my entire family.

I remember the sadness in Mr. Marcy's eyes as we determined that my son would be better off being homeschooled the last few months of 6th grade. Now that I am a public school employee, I realize the depth of caring that he had for my son. Genuine love is visible in a principal's face.  There was nothing more to be done. The reality of my son being a danger to himself and others was growing, and a violent outburst after being trapped by three students had finally taken place. I believe Mr. Marcy was genuinely sad when my son walked out the doors for the last time. 

5 months later my son started 7th grade. 13 months later we bought a new home and moved to Mayville schools. Six years passed. We never had the chance to follow up or express in depth our gratitude for all the things that Mr. Marcy tried to do during the last few years our son was at Central. What I never had the chance to say was "Thank you for believing in James, and for loving him enough to try to help".

Life can carry us so many places. Last year my now not so little boy, at six feet five inches, graduated from an alternative ed program. I started subbing in Tuscola County for teachers and my son decided that he wanted to be a substitute paraprofessional. His experiences with learning difficulties and physical difficulties have made him a class "A" parapro. Mr. Marcy now works in our local district. My son and I were working one day when he saw James with a badge and stopped to ask if he was really seeing "his James". There was pride there and a few short hellos before James had to get back to work. I made sure that this time those words didn't get away. I'll say them again here. "Thank you, Mr. Marcy, for all that you have done. Thank you for being genuinely concerned about your students, and for the blessings, you have brought to your students by just being you".

Amen.

Disciples Generous Response, No Roses Musings - FIRST FRUIT or ROTTEN FRUIT?

First Fruit Salad is the combination of time, talents and money used for God. They all matter and are of equal importance.

My faith community has struggled financially the last 10 years. Due to economy and aging membership we have faced some tough decisions. The older I get the more I have come to understand that first fruits giving is an important part of Christian discipline. I lived in relative poverty for much of my youth and for about 13 years after my kids were born. I have chopped wood for heat, lugged water to wash dishes, stood in food lines and been adopted for Christmas many times so that my family could get through. Paying my tithing was what I believe lifted me from poverty. Not just physical poverty, but mental poverty as well.

DARE NOT TO COMPARE!
When I first started giving regularly to the church it was $2.50 cents each week. I wanted to have an amount so that I knew what my goal was because tossing in the left overs each week just didn't feel right to me anymore. This was at time when my husband made about 200.00 each week and we spent 40.00 weekly just in diapers. Gas had also climbed very high at times $3.95 a gallon or more. The economy had also crashed and we were a construction family so we were hit hard first. I wanted to try to give God something more. In truth I felt that my offering was paltry and that I was a bit ashamed of my gift to the church, but I kept at it and kept trying every few months to add something more. I began to notice how my husband and I had many miracles take place, especially when his work was very low. The generosity of the people in our faith community helped us many times to stay on our feet and to feel like we were valued members of the church. Strange refund checks would come to us from utility companies or other things stating we over paid.. always when we were at our lowest. I wanted so badly to be that person though, one who would be able to give without thought to personal cost, with the same kind of heart as the members of my church.. then I learned something.....


NEWS FLASH!!
At some point I decided that I would raise our tithing/offering to ten dollars weekly, 5 for local and 5 for the world church. My husband was working a little more boarding up repossessed homes and the kids getting older. I envisioned that most working people were contributing $30.00 - $50.00 weekly maybe more, because that was what I wanted to give, but I could not. I was so wrong about many things. One day I spoke to a bishop in the church. He told me that he was proud of my husband and I for our giving between hours donated at camps and money. I thought he was just trying to be really kind. Then he told me the facts. The average family paid roughly $24.00 a month in tithing. I have no idea if those numbers are true today, but it hurt my feelings to know that we as a society  have $100.00 a pair, pairs of blue jeans, $50.00 one time nights to the movies, but the church was struggling just to make ends meet. They had to let people go. My husband and I were trying to put in $20.00 of that $24.00 monthly, I wished that I had thousands. For us though that meant at times giving something up. I was also then very sorry that I spent so much time feeling bad, because we were in truth giving sacrificially for us. I should have been doing this with a glad heart, because I had something to share, and could. True capacity is between you and God. No one else. We wake each day with a balance of time, talents, and money. God knows it all because he gave us those things. Capacity is not a measure against others, but what we can do with our own potential.

TOSS OUT YOUR SPOILED FRUITS..
Over the last 5 years, the losses of the church have been much more profound. Many people are being called upon to be volunteers, so that means that they must now compete with "secular work time" to be able to minister later... The seventies for many years were paid appointments, they were the ones who would spend their time bringing people to Christ and helping congregations form relationships with seekers... with having to work a day job now, that lessens the time significantly that people have to make those relationships count. I have to confess that I am rather tired of hearing that it is society's fault. People don't want church or commitment.. that has been the case since the start of time, because humans have never liked discipline, ever. We like to be comfortable and nothing less. People have other things to do, and they often choose those other things that are rotten fruit activities.. This is no new predicament. What is new is the excuses that we generate to remain aloof in our giving and church living, because we know even in our own ears that excuses get old. We let our fears help us make the list as long as possible and we keep adding more to the list as we go along. It is time for us to be sharing our first fruits in everything, and to stop clinging to our "rotten fruit reasons", because we are spoiling the fruit before we even take a moment to give. The church has developed what we feel are the 5 ideals found in the gospel of Luke, that define Christ's plans for us today. Here are some rather direct, but true ways that we can improve our giving in these 5 areas..

 Invitation to Christ, we need to stop being stingy with our words and give it our all. Invitation creates an idea of welcome. Invite often! Telling our story helps people to understand why we love God, and why we bother to maintain a church life.. (psst, I know families are much smaller today, so that does mean you have to kick it up a step, and share more!)

Develop Disciples to Serve. We need to take Temple School, Meads, and Seminary, stop being stingy with all of our personal development time. We also need to begin putting people to work, stop being stingy and prideful with our "positions" in the church, so that they can share in their first fruits of talents.

Abolish Poverty - End Suffering. Money is good, but making relationships with those that you have given to must be key! We cannot help people find a stable path in life by just giving them dollars or food...when their hearts are broken and aching. End suffering is not just a physical thing, it is Spiritual thing as well.

Pursue Peace   - It is time to stop banking on our pride in personal life. To heal and reconcile bad relationships, so that we can be more fully able to practice what we preach. Teaching others peace, is is often impossible when we do not magnify that in our own lives. Holding on to old grudges, prejudice, and hate consume our time and resources of the heart..

Congregations in Mission:
There can be no one path for any congregations, they are all different. We cannot sit around wishing that we were this or that group of people anymore. We need to find things to do together to maintain friendships and to help people find ways to encounter the church beyond worship! The moment we stop doing things together outside of worship, we have closed off our potential to be inclusive to those who might not be able to bring themselves inside the church on a first time basis. Worship is also for one hour each week. There are 167 more to consider. Also a side rant.. We have to do things more than once to make them a success. It takes time to build people into any program. Always.. so quit giving up before you get started...

SO I GAVE YOU A HARD TIME, NOW WHAT??
Over the last few years as my family conditions improved I continued to raise my offerings.. often before any improvements  actually came. We just gave what we had. I have also added international ministry to my list of to do things and each mission costs about $3,000 between airfare and project expenses. I pay for about 1/2 to 3/4 of most of my missions out of my own pocket, this does not include my offering, tithing, or side donations to humanitarian projects. The rest I need I fund raise. Sometimes I do more than one mission in a year. I am not tooting my own horn here, but I am trying to give you the real picture of my testimony. I just bought a home two years ago with my husband, it is scary to think about that being in my life until I am almost 60.. did I mention that I will get my associates degree in a few months.. and student loan payments will be coming. Most people have this stuff gone by age 45.. I will be 45 in 8 years.. but still I want to go to first fruits giving.

I want to go this route because I believe in the future of my church and in the power of God. God never said that it would be easy, but He did say that He would give us what we need, when we are asking for his kingdom. So I am asking God for bushels of fruit to get the people who lead my faith community back to work, and to allow for new individuals the opportunity to know Christ. I am asking God to help me make better use of my time and to help me to be a fearless inviter, so that others will know that my prosperity comes from Him, and that the same kind of future waits for those who want to have this kind of life. So the choice is ours sit out and spoil, or make something of what we have set in front of us while it is fresh and GIVE...

Friendship Frenzy.. Why Social Media has Screwed up the Word "Friend"

My Brazilian brother "Andertwin" and I in Osucro Sao Paulo.

I have read a lot of posts lately on social media about false friendships and people who feel burned by their "friends". The post have not only been from the USA, but from South America as well. They come from areas where people socialize more in groups that live a middle class lifestyle, and have more opportunity to "hang out", than those who must work all of the time, or have no access to socialization as a free time filler.

 I have discovered in my own walk that real friends are not always people that we see everyday and talk to.. at times those people we think are our "friends" are really more acquaintances than what we realize.We often use the word friend to simply describe people we know.  The emphasis on the word "friend" in society has really been in a way over used in the last ten years. The word friend is over used partially because of modern  lingo birthed from social media. This word abuse came because society has put a lot of pressure on people to acquire as many person to person links as possible in the cyber world. This in many ways has created a messy kind of status quota with huge numbers of friends. It is a requirement that demands that you have a ton of "friends" on your list so that everyone else will want to be your friend too, and that people you really like will see that you have tons of people who "like" you too.

I should also mention along the way that there is a sense of duty that as long as we are all friends we have to take seriously everything our friends have plastered on social media and maintain a relationship with them because we are friends. How many of you have been reamed out for missing an FB invite or Tweet?. What about getting in trouble for not liking something that you find offensive?? We post, tweet, pin, and whatever else we belong to, so that our "friends" will know what we like. Real friends in my opinion don't want to know every aspect of my life like this, so that we CAN be friends. I say this because real friends want to know more than just what is on the surface... and social media likes is often only a surface. Real friends pick up the phone and call you, or message you in a chat where you are actually replying so that there are two warm bodies in certain communication.. sometimes today people still talk face to face.

Real friends are the people that you can go without seeing for  a long time, but you know that they are thinking of you. They feel your absence in their heart when you are gone, but work hard to make whatever time you have together count. Even if that time is a phone call from another country. Real friends are people who you argue your beliefs with, but don't have to change your point of view to remain in their good graces. In my faith community we call this faithful disagreement. It is a requirement in friendships that last. Real friends hurt when you are hurting, they do not revel in your suffering. Real friends tell you to your face when your are dressed badly, but still walk out to dinner with you hair not brushed and shoes half tied.

If your "friend" kicks you to the curb because you spilled coffee on them,  or missed a phone call, chances are that friend was not your friend at all.  Same goes for people who get overly rude about political view. Real friends might not like what we think, but understand at least WHY we think as we do. Trivial things do not define real friendships. Loving people through life's biggest challenges and the worst days of their lives, those are real friendships. Real friends call you back to crab you out for missing  a phone call, then crab at themselves because they were mad at you in the first place.

I have many people whom I call my friend in truth. I have some that are my "best friends". Others I love so much that I traded them in as "friends" and have kept them as family, because for me that means forever. Those are my tried and true friends who I can count on to pray for me and stand with me when the world would gladly walk away. Real friends do not come boxed in doubts. There is assurance that they love you for you.. and so I urge my young friends, especially those who struggle with the world of friendships right now, to think about the criteria that they use to define friendship. If a friendship comes with condition of liking only what they like. or having to do all of the giving, it is not a friendship. Friendship comes with two parts giving and receiving. Friendship comes with grace and forgiveness. IF these things are missing, I think it is better to feel they are an acquaintance.  Acquaintances are important, but we can cut ourselves a little slack on the daily emotional attachment end of things.

Remember that part of Coming to Care posts are also about caring for ourselves. Don't get caught up in media pressures. Love yourself enough to chose quality over quantity..

Feeling Peace in the Midst of Mayhem

Saying No to Drama and Drain of Constant Connection

The world has become a very hostile place to live these days.. In Brazil a doctor was denied her right to go to the bank because of a metal implant in her arm, it set off alarms, videos were posted. People in major US cities are flying off the handle every chance they get, behaving like the very people they tend to make fun of in other nations on other days. In the east people are suspicious of westerners. Westerners are suspicious of people in the central Americas. Southern Americans (south of the equator Americans) are afraid in their own communities as poverty has created difficult living conditions. No wonder anti-anxiety medications are being dispensed at an all time high..

People use Facebook and Twitter as a political and religious platform outlet, rather than a way too just keep up with each other..in fact sometimes it creates less social interactions and more isolation then intended. There are tons of blanket statement prejudiced pictures with rotten sayings posted daily and people click "like" with out a second thought to what that "cool funny thing" is doing to a human being someplace else.It is indeed a social media mayhem at times.  Of course this kind of media spills over into our homes. Kids believe everything they read on social media.. and well Millennials put everything out on social media they should not.

I have found that at times I can use social media for positive things. Sharing hope, asking for prayers for others.. offering to pray for others. This is my way of working around the negative stuff.. but in truth to find true peace in my heart, I found the only way to find peace was to unplug. I gave up television years ago, I stopped using Linkedin, Twitter, and Pintrest.  I use facebook to stay connected, because it does let me choose what kinds of drama I accept at my front door so to speak. It lets me stay connected with my family and church family around the globe.

(Small Side Rant)
I have never been a fan of drama. I don't let people goad me into losing my temper or into their pity parties when they are just trying to get attention. Over time and lots of reading, I can tell when people are just trying to spark certain emotions. I try not to feed those beasts, because we need to deal with things in the real world, and not in cyber space. I am not saying that people should not say they are having a bad day. I am not saying that people should not express opinions, because they should. What I am saying is that people really need to grow up and stop being so self centered with their posts and reactions to others posts. I really hate it when people post something they know will offend others, then say " I will delete you if you respond negatively".. to me that sounds like a small child throwing a tantrum rather than an adult posting an opinion.. which BTW opinions are subject to debate.

(Back to my point)
Healthy adult relationships are built on give and take between people that are having an argument. They can agree to disagree without having to have one person trump the other. I find I have more peace in my life when I quit trying to prove my side of things to others. I feel that if I am right, then my point will often prove itself, others just have to learn the hard way. Sometimes I am the one who has to learn the hard way.

My former school mate posted a rather wonderful rant about people needing to grow up, especially in political expression. We have the right to show support for our candidates, but not to beat down others for whom they support. We have the right to vote for people who might not do everything right, but still have major views in common with us. We have the right to take sides on issues, but not to cut down a persons being, just because we don't like their political views. A persons worth is not aligned with political stance or beliefs in religion. My faith community holds the belief that all have a worth that no kind of worldly estimation can be placed upon us. It is easier to find peace when we accept that we need to practice holy indifference. This means that I might not like things about someone, but I can still love them as the total package, we are indifferent in our love for them, even if we do not like everything about them.

I know lots of good and loving people who vote differently than I, have different views on immigration and taxes.. but at the end of the day that does not take away from the love that God has given us. I know that people in that day and age a drowning in pain and suffering, much of what is said, they say because they feel that no one is listening to them. The truth is though because it is a social media driven life we live, what is being said is impacting the entire planet into a place of distrust and frenzy, because everyone is listening and watching.

So how do we get to this place of peace? This place where life is less frenzied and more livable? In invite you to actively seek it, rather than wait for it to show up..I invite you to disconnect as you are truly able. Take just one night a week to say good bye to checking your phone every five seconds. Do this especially if you hate your job. Refuse to feed whining and nagging post popularity that help no one. Take time to roll down your windows and sing at the tops of your lungs rather than try to read email on your ipad on the way home from work. I invite you to turn off the tube and get out old family photos, tell your kids about the things you did before television.. isn't it amazing that all of the retro stuff is what is in .. 3-d rubix ubes,, etch-a-sketch, and yo-yo's have made a come back. why?? because people still need things to do that are offline. There are still a lot of things that people can do, if they truly want to find peace in their lives.It can be found if it is wanted more than the crazy overload of "digital social life"  Peace in the Midst of Mayhem is not impossible, it just has to be intentionally accounted for..

Grace in Places We Don't Expect, Angels in the Office, A Tribute to Mrs. Kinney

Angels in the Office, A Tribute to Mrs. Kinney

15 years ago I moved back to Vassar to live. It was a tough time. My husband and I had two kids in diapers and one of them was brand new. My husband and I were in the class of "working poverty".  My husband and I both worked until my son was seriously ill and had development delays as a result. I never imagined the hardships that we would endure back then. We had to get help with bills, insurance, food, and many things. How badly we wanted to take care of ourselves, it just never seemed to happen no matter how hard we worked. When my son was ill, I had to stop working full time. 

Many times we hear the horror stories of dealing with caseworkers and with office workers from government agencies, unless you have lived it though, it is hard to fathom. If you have ever waited in line for food, jumped trough the hoops of medicaid, food stamps, or assistance of any kind, you know that people who have abused the system before you have created a bureaucratic nightmare. They also have created a personal nightmare for people who are not used to being treated with suspicion or talked to as if they have always lived in the system. The world in which we live has taken away dignity and grace from the vulnerable. Often times those who have charge over the care of  a large group of people in need, develop a lack of sensitivity due to overwhelming amounts of case loads. Sometimes they speak in "on house language" and tend to make people just a part of the herd trying to get through the day. While they are supposed to help people better their lives, they can be a huge source of degrading behavior when the sensitivity wears off.

There are angels in places we least expect them though, even at DHS.. and I know one very well. 

The very first time I met with Mrs. Kinney I felt very different from the other times I met someone at a government agency. She looked at me when she spoke to me, and never made faces reading my paper work. She always encouraged me and made me feel like we were making progress when others me made feel "just less". I felt well, human for the first time since I was pregnant for my son and in need of medicaid. People have no idea how hard it is to ask for help, and to admit that you are not making it alone. 

The cubicles that are used at DHS for meetings with workers are more so temporary intake places rather than an actual work space. They can feel cold and very impersonal. Now days people often get only a phone call or a pile of paperwork to send in the mail. It is hard to ever feel that you are something more than just a number in this respect. I know that Mrs. Kinney is a bright and shinning star in a place where people often want to be any place but there because she made you feel welcome in these little cookie cutter cubicles. She always spoke to my kids and thanked them for being good when they went with me. 

I know that for a long time she has spoke of retiring this year and is giving one more year as a supervisor instead of much deserved time off. I just want to take my hat off and say thanks so much for bringing dignity to people who are considered "the least of these" in our community. People like you have made life still worth living and fighting for in tough times. In a world where people desperately need to know that caring people exist, you do your part to fulfill that need. Thanks so much for showing grace to people in an unexpected place and for being and angel in your office. ~ Jos

Lenten Moment: Goodbye to Grudges

We have been on a journey these last 34 days trying to connect with the Lord. Some call it Lent others call it just Easter time. No matter what it is called this time of preparation, self examination is a powerful road to healing.

Ten Years ago I left the church building I was attending, shaken to the core The young adults group had watched the Passion of the Christ. One of the most painful experiences I have ever endured, because I saw what happened to my Jesus, the one whom I knew was calling me. Sometimes people assume that when a person has become a Christian that it means you are turning either into a pushover of sorts that takes abuse and has no spine, or they assume that you are "holier than thou" as some say, and a stark raving mad lunatic who pushes the "lake of fire" sermon on old ladies who ride buses. I know that is extreme, but I have heard just about everything between since I began to profess my faith 30 years ago. I hear even more as an ordained minister who is active with the poor. Really we are just people who are going through the motions of life and everyone's journey is different. No matter what people say though we have our own faults and we make mistakes. We also have the tendency to judge others and struggle inside, but Jesus knew that about us and the abuse that was suffered by him  for us was something I could not fathom until it was set before my eyes.

In my own mind I know that part of what He endured was to set me free from all the rocks that I have carried around my neck. Burdens of personal fault, burdens of stupid things that I have done. Then the things that happened because of my life circumstances. Living in poverty, being an outcast for being over weight, raising my own kids who suffered from the same hateful treatment as I did at school. It hit me like a ton a of bricks that night, that my worst rock..well gigantic boulder, was I still harbored a lot of hate for people I went to school with. I would see them in stores and restaurants and want to scream "and just who the hell are you now??"  when they would say hello to me. It was wrong and horrible, because that night made me realize something. This time in my life still owned me, but I never thought about where they were in life either at that time. People only know what they are raised to know. Bullies often have tough relatives that teach them that route and when a child suffers at home, the outlet is the playground at school. The truth behind many school aged children is that life is at times pure hell.

 Some of my class mates had parents with ugly divorces that left them damaged, my parents never fought at home, or talked badly about each other when they split.  Many were attention starved. There were many kids that were never told that they were loved, or that they looked nice by a parent or sibling. I was blessed that my dad would give compliments when they were due, even if they were very simple. When I would play my flute in church my dad would often say "not bad at all". I did not need to hear anything more because from him it was always with a huge grin. I realized that the kids I went to school with would have killed for my life in some ways, to be praised at something or just loved.

My Dad let me travel alone at 15 and 17 to World Conference. He gave me money and put me on a plane twice, without any hesitation. I went to summer youth camp with my grandma Hazel and week long camps with my dad. My mom took us on weekends to do fun things, we went bowling and had midnight doughnut runs. I did a lot of things that many people did once, if they were lucky.. and the entire time, I knew I was loved by my dad, my aunts and uncles, my mom and grandparents.. I also was loved by people in my faith community.

When the Passion was over we left the church very quietly.. all of us in shock. I thought about Jesus and his suffering and realized that I never really knew what had happened beyond a "story telling" point of view. He suffered the worst.. I decided that it was "for my worst" I needed to get rid of things that stood in the way of my ministry and relationship with God. I was a smoker at the time, but one of the worst things that haunted me were the things that happened to me at school. The things that people said would come back to me and I would feel belittled and small. Other times I would feel angry and think of all the things I could have said and done to teach them a lesson, had I known then what I know now. I would often feel that I was worthless and had nothing to give to God, because it was what I had been told for  the 13 years, when I was supposed to be developing a self esteem. I realized that I had given those people power over my relationship with Jesus with a ten thousand pound  chip on my shoulder and that I needed to let my anger and my hate go.

Not to long after that, I saw a girl at the store that had been a popular kid at school and a terrible tormentor of mine. I realized that she was very unhappy and that her cart contained items common of people who were living on food stamps that needed to be stretched. She also had a toddler with her. I have been there. I did not look on her in pity, she did not need that. What I did do was say hello without  gritting my teeth when she acknowledged me. I asked her of she had stayed in Vassar and what she was doing. She seemed relieved that I was not angry with her. I could sense that she was trying to apologize to me through awkward conversation as we waited in the check out line. She gave me a little wave when she left.

 In that moment I realized that I had truly let go of my hate for my former classmates. I no longer felt like I needed to think of ways that I could prove myself better or shrink away in shame from them. I just wanted them to feel what I feel, a great love of God. It was a freeing moment that I had literally waited my whole life for. In 2007 I quit smoking, in March of 2010, I was ordained to the office of priest, a minster for families. It totally changes the way that you think about others and the life that we live. In July of last year, I was ordained to elder, a minister who is responsible for bringing blessings.

In the last few years I have found myself as an adviser to many people whom I never would have spoken too had I not let go of my anger and hate. I find that the challenges that people face can be overcome with sharing Jesus Christ and by taking journeys together. With Lent, Advent, and every day in between we have the power to change our lives and experience the grace  and the ability to say goodbye to grudges. If we refuse to let ourselves be trapped by things of the past we have no where to go but forward in blessing.

God bless you. Jos